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How Being Groped As A Child Made Me An Overprotective Mother

Written By: Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin
February 8, 2021
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When I reminisce about my childhood, it is filled with pleasant memories, a loving family, and a sound and secure place I could call home. We grew up without phones and technology and playing outdoors was a luxury we could afford, unlike this generation. I was encouraged to be independent and go out alone for any work or meet friends, go to their houses or outings. I enjoyed a lot of freedom. Freedom which I haven’t been able to give to my daughter though. Because this freedom came with a price.

Groping, catcalling, eve teased, flashed at are some things which came along with being a woman who could roam freely on the streets. Oh, how many times such incidents happened to me.  Even though these were more than 25 years ago I can still recall them with the same goosebumps and chill I felt then.

Going to theatres meant that somebody will surely feel you from behind while exiting in the crowd. Traveling in crowded buses and trains meant men rubbing their private parts from behind you. Walking in the streets meant being cat-called or being followed by some creepy pervert. Flashing their private parts at women would be someone’s fetish.  As a young girl, I don’t have to tell how each incident left me feeling- dirty, disgusted, scared, nauseated. Every time. Their touch on my chest would remain for days. That hand that crept from behind between my legs and grabbed me would leave me traumatized for weeks together. It was a violation of my body. Yet I did not know whom to tell this to. Because I felt shameful. I don’t know why. I felt that part of it was my fault somehow.

I started becoming an overcautious and hypervigilant person. While walking on the streets I would make sure that I would cross my chest with my hands if I saw any man coming from the opposite direction so he wouldn’t grab them or brush against them and go. I would cover my butt with my handbag while walking out of crowded places to avoid giving a chance to any pervert to grope me from behind. These were the coping mechanisms I came up with before I became bold enough to bring such men to task by confronting them or calling them out in the crowd.

But when I had a daughter, I decided that I would never let this happen to her ever. She will never go through what I went through. Never would I let her go out anywhere in the first place to even let this happen to her. She has never traveled on public transport. I have never let her go alone even to the grocery store by herself. When we go to a movie or a mall, I make sure I walk behind her so no one will have a chance to touch her. I constantly watch out for any boys or men who would be checking her out or tease her. That\s how overprotective I am. I am constantly telling her what to wear and what not to because I know how those men in the streets can be- they can undress you with their eyes and make you feel naked even if you are in a burkha.

overprotective mother

Now that she is a teenager our arguments are always surrounding her dressing style or freedom and independence. My policing makes her think I am old fashioned and I don’t trust her, but no. I don’t want her to experience what I have. I don’t want anyone touching her or violating her body in any way which would make her feel traumatized as it did to me.

I wish she would understand this. I wish she knew how it feels like to have a piece of your heart walking outside your body- You would do everything in your power to protect it from harm right?

The everyday numbers in rapes, sexual harassment cases, and the killing of minors haven’t help me change. The recent judgments which were passed by the Maharashtra Lady Judge where she said that no skin to skin contact does not amount to sexual harassment had me burning with rage. I wish I could tell her how it felt. I wish I could tell her how this affected me as a mother of a daughter. I wish I could tell her how scared parents of girls feel while sending their kids to schools, colleges, and work. Why do many parents put pressure on their kids to dress in a certain way is because when a sick society and a weak judiciary will not help us to protect our children, so we tend to think layers of clothes might help.  Maybe asking them to dress down will not attract the eyes of the predators?

But deep inside we also know that that’s not true either. Rapists will rape. Eve teasers will tease. Molesters will molest. It has nothing to do with the dress, time of the day, or place. They will do it at home, on the streets, in public places, anywhere they can Because they know they will get away. Because being a woman is a punishment by itself.

So until then, I will continue to be the mother my daughter dislikes for all the policing I do. A mother who asks her to cover herself, a mother who won’t let her travel alone, a mother who wants her home before dark. Just another helpless overprotective mother.

child abusegropingmetal traumamotheroverprotective parentParentingsexual abuse

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin has done her masters in Journalism & Communication and has worked as a senior journalist, editor and columnist for leading publications like The Logical Indian, Deccan Chronicle, Worldwide Media Corporation, The Bridge and Provoke.
With Infano, she hopes to create more awareness about women’s health issues. Suffering with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition, she has also been advocating for its awareness through media.

4 thoughts on “How Being Groped As A Child Made Me An Overprotective Mother”

  1. Zehra Aliakbar
    February 8, 2021 at 4:27 pm

    You have penned down the minds of millions of moms Tasneem. If only we could make this world a better place for our daughters .

    Reply
  2. Jabeen
    February 9, 2021 at 5:11 am

    Even I have experienced this during my adolescent life in Chennai. Although I have lived in 3 countries over the past 20 years, I have never experienced this anywhere else. Education and awareness is very important.

    Reply
  3. Ummekulsum Hotelwala
    February 9, 2021 at 9:09 am

    Could relate to every word that you have written Tasneem ben.So true but as mothers we really feel helpless.

    Reply
  4. Global Webdirectory
    June 3, 2021 at 6:22 pm

    Interesting point of view. Im curious to think what type of impact this would have globally? People obviously get frustrated when it begins to affect them locally. Ill check back to see what you have to say.

    Reply

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Infano Care

How to Deal With Children and Exams: The Parental Guide

Written By: Infano
July 1, 2020 | 03:05 PM |
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Exams not only help to get good marks, secure a better stream, or a scholarship, but a successful performance in exams can help boost the confidence of a child. While your child is facing a lot of pressure from school, friends and society, it’s your turn as a parent to make your child motivated and confident enough to prepare for the exam.

Here’s how you can support your children during the exam:

Don’t put much pressure on the students

Each year, crores of students appear for exams from different boards. You can imagine the immense pressure your child may face during the preparation of the exam with such competition.

As a parent, you should realize the stress factor and not set any unrealistic targets for them. During the exam, you should give an assurance to your child that you will be there to support them irrespective of the exam result. A gentle motivation and encouragement will be much more helpful to boost the child’s confidence. 

Help them to manage time and prepare a timetable

While a child is going to face the board exam, they have to give proper time to revisions, solving previous year’s questions, memorizing, etc. They must have an hour or two for rest and recreation. Parents need to help their child create a proper time table to meet the daily study target and ensure that each day remains balanced.

In this process, they might not need your consistent help. But you have to be there at the initial phase to help them stay on track. It is the moment when as a parent you have to be firm forward yet supportive to your child.

Monitor the progress and encourage them to create Self-Help Aids

Daily assessments can do much to track your child’s progress. Encourage them to take up regular mock tests seriously. Figure out their strong and weak areas from the mock assessment. Also, please do not allow any extra time, restricting them to complete a paper within the given time limit. By this, they will be more organized at the time of the real exam.

Sit down with them, take an oral test. Once your child is done with each mock and oral examination, ask them to list the patterns of mistake, and areas needing further revision. In this way, they can create a better revision plan and can improve their performance efficiently with time.

Make sure you are giving proper attention to nutrition, exercise/activity and sleep

Your child needs to look after themselves. It is very common for students to forget to eat or sleep at a proper time when the exam is just one or two weeks away. They get busy with their schedule and due to stress, sleeping and eating on time, takes a back seat. 

As a parent, you have to make sure that your child remains mentally and physically healthy during this time. Make sure they have a healthy and balanced diet. You can encourage them to take juice or fruits at a regular intervals. If your child prefers to study late at night, encourage them to take frequent power naps in the day time. This will boost the mental capability in such a stressful time.

And don’t forget physical exercise. Take your child out with you for a walk or a cycle ride. Make sure they have a regular break from studying for nutrition, physical activity and sleep.

Provide a proper environment for study

Do not create a national library in your home, instead create a calm environment. Make sure you are not organizing any house party at the time of exams.

Give your child the support they need during the examination, be that pillar and help them to flourish in their exam and not be afraid of it. 

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Infano

Infano is a platform that aims to impact every facet of a woman's life - health, career, motherhood, lifestyle, and much more. We are a team of like-minded individuals who wish to be a support to women from all walks of life and in everything they do. Our aim, through our posts and articles, is to bring to light the issues and problems that women face in their day-to-day life, to try and make their life a little easier and a little better, provide the latest news updates of women around the world, and to highlight their big and small achievements. We celebrate womanhood each and every day.

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