Adoption is a lifelong journey that brings in many emotions, challenges, and precious moments along the way. Along with the joy of adding a child to your family and becoming a parent, it may also bring many complications while raising them.
All adoptive parents struggle to balance the varying emotions of their children, especially when their children wish to contact their biological families.
As an adoptive parent, you may have so much love and compassion towards your child. You might have spent all your time and energy focusing on her future. But what if your adopted child wants to meet her birth parents? How could you cope with this?
It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family. Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents. Some parents call it disloyalty to those who adopted and raised them with love. It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.
Overcome your fears
The biggest issue faced by most adoptive parents is the sense of insecurity about their child. As an adoptive parent, you may have fears that contacting your child’s birth parents may negatively affect your relationship with her.
Do not perceive your child’s desire to know her birth parents as a betrayal. It may be an act of curiosity to know where she came from and who her birth parents are. Just because she wishes to see her birth family does not mean she doesn’t love you.
Does the child’s contact with her birth parents threaten our relationship with the child?
What if she wants to return to live with her birth parents?
What if the birth mother tries to reclaim her child?
While different questions pop up in your mind that make you unstable, try to figure out what exactly your fears and worries are. It helps you to prepare yourself before you communicate with your child about what your kid is feeling about her birth parents. It gives you an idea of what decisions to make in your child’s best interests without hurting them.
If you are unable to know, seek the support of your friends or a therapist to help you sort out what your fears are and what your expectations are.
You need not feel guilty about being selfish. After all, you truly love your child, and so you are scared that you might lose the bond with your adopted child.
Communicate with your kid
Just imagine the unsettling emotion of your child when she has just discovered that she was adopted. It is hard for both you and your child to tackle the situation. Have patience and take efforts to understand the underlying issues and emotions of your adopted child.
Acknowledge the fact that your adopted kid has every right to know and understand the people from whom they came, their way of life, and more. She did not choose you, but you chose her. She never had an idea of what was happening to her or what her future would be.
If your kid is interested in finding his birth parents, encourage her to talk through the reasons to trace her birth family. Let her know that you understand the reasons to find out her birth parents.
Do not try to dictate what she should do regarding her birth parents. It can cause emotional ups and downs in your child that may lead to confusion and depression.
Tell her story and the circumstances that led to her adoption. Be honest to your kid and tell her what you know about her birth family. Assure your kid that you are ready to support her all the way. That would mean everything to her, even if she does not show it.
Supporting your child’s interests and connecting with her experiences can help you keep your child’s interests ahead of your own.
Partner with her birth parents
Supporting your child to find her birth parents is difficult but can be worth it.
The contact of your adopted child with her birth parents contributes to your child’s happiness and a sense of well-being. It gives her a sense of security that both the adoptive and birth parents support her throughout the life. It can also strengthen your relationship with your child.
The bottom line
Drop everything that is holding you back and let go of your emotions and fears. Support your child’s independence to make big decisions and respond in the best interest of your child.
‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.