How to Deal When Your Adopted Child Wants to Meet Her Birth Parents

Highlights

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family.

Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents.

It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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Adoption is a lifelong journey that brings in many emotions, challenges, and precious moments along the way. Along with the joy of adding a child to your family and becoming a parent, it may also bring many complications while raising them.

All adoptive parents struggle to balance the varying emotions of their children, especially when their children wish to contact their biological families.

As an adoptive parent, you may have so much love and compassion towards your child. You might have spent all your time and energy focusing on her future. But what if your adopted child wants to meet her birth parents? How could you cope with this?

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family. Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents. Some parents call it disloyalty to those who adopted and raised them with love. It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

Overcome your fears

The biggest issue faced by most adoptive parents is the sense of insecurity about their child. As an adoptive parent, you may have fears that contacting your child’s birth parents may negatively affect your relationship with her.

Do not perceive your child’s desire to know her birth parents as a betrayal. It may be an act of curiosity to know where she came from and who her birth parents are. Just because she wishes to see her birth family does not mean she doesn’t love you.

Does the child’s contact with her birth parents threaten our relationship with the child?

What if she wants to return to live with her birth parents?

What if the birth mother tries to reclaim her child?

While different questions pop up in your mind that make you unstable, try to figure out what exactly your fears and worries are. It helps you to prepare yourself before you communicate with your child about what your kid is feeling about her birth parents. It gives you an idea of what decisions to make in your child’s best interests without hurting them.

If you are unable to know, seek the support of your friends or a therapist to help you sort out what your fears are and what your expectations are.

You need not feel guilty about being selfish. After all, you truly love your child, and so you are scared that you might lose the bond with your adopted child.

Communicate with your kid

Just imagine the unsettling emotion of your child when she has just discovered that she was adopted. It is hard for both you and your child to tackle the situation. Have patience and take efforts to understand the underlying issues and emotions of your adopted child.

Acknowledge the fact that your adopted kid has every right to know and understand the people from whom they came, their way of life, and more. She did not choose you, but you chose her. She never had an idea of what was happening to her or what her future would be.

If your kid is interested in finding his birth parents, encourage her to talk through the reasons to trace her birth family. Let her know that you understand the reasons to find out her birth parents.

Do not try to dictate what she should do regarding her birth parents. It can cause emotional ups and downs in your child that may lead to confusion and depression.

Tell her story and the circumstances that led to her adoption. Be honest to your kid and tell her what you know about her birth family. Assure your kid that you are ready to support her all the way. That would mean everything to her, even if she does not show it.

Supporting your child’s interests and connecting with her experiences can help you keep your child’s interests ahead of your own.

Partner with her birth parents

Supporting your child to find her birth parents is difficult but can be worth it.

The contact of your adopted child with her birth parents contributes to your child’s happiness and a sense of well-being. It gives her a sense of security that both the adoptive and birth parents support her throughout the life. It can also strengthen your relationship with your child.

The bottom line

Drop everything that is holding you back and let go of your emotions and fears. Support your child’s independence to make big decisions and respond in the best interest of your child.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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Disclaimer: This news story is not just a new coverage but a slap on our society’s face and a reminder to us that we NEED to stand up together and fight the evil!!

While the Indian government is still in the dilemma of whether sex education should be a part of the Indian Education System or not, another appalling incident of Nagaur district of Rajasthan came into light, where a 14-year-old minor girl has reportedly given birth to a child on the night of December 13, 2020. In the wake of this incident, four people have been booked for the charges of rape, which includes the minor’s brother.

“The girl is 14 and unmarried. The matter came to light when the girl and her family reached the Zanana Hospital in Ajmer on Sunday, where the doctors, after safely delivering her baby, informed us that the mother is a minor,” said Narotam Singh, station house officer, Padukalan police station.

“The minor, along with her child, is under police and medical supervision. Based on the statements of her family, her brother and three other villagers have been booked under the Protection of Children From Sexual Offences Act,” SHO Singh added. “Her family members confessed that her brother and three others from the same village have raped her several times.”

As per the reports, further details are yet to be received after the DNA tests of the accused and the newborn child.

No woman is safe in India, I say, but Rajasthan reportedly had the highest number of rapes with 5,997 cases in 2020, followed by Uttar Pradesh and Madhya Pradesh with 3,065 cases and 2,485 cases respectively. According to sources, Rajasthan also had the highest rate of rape cases at 15.9 (per lakh population) followed by Kerala and Haryana at 11.1 and 10.9, respectively.

A 14YO minor girl in Rajasthan’s Nagaur district has reportedly given birth to a child after which four people, including her brother, have been booked for rape. — Source

While I’m writing this, a part of me has already given up! And as I said earlier, I know it will not stop ever!

My question is: would this have been better if they were taught about sex and sexuality right from the beginning? Would this have been better if they knew the core meaning of words like ‘consent’ and ‘no’? Would this have been better if they were taught the value of equality and respect towards every gender?

“The reality is that many children are not comfortable having such a discussion with parents. Parents should at least facilitate such conversations if they (the children) are hesitant about it,” says Ram, a member of Racsha.

Filmmaker Aniruddha Roychowdhury believes that children should be taught to speak about abuse more openly. “If there is any violation, there has to be a protest. Be it an uncle or anyone else known to the family; they (perpetrators of abuse) should be punished and shamed so that they are not able to step out. They should be exposed on social media and newspapers and the parents, elder brother or sister have to listen to the child,” he adds.

It’s hardly been six months since the Bois Locker Room, the infamous Instagram ‘scandal’, happened — and here we are, discussing and writing about several other cases of rape and sexual abuse happened after that.

And the sad part is that almost 99% of these cases go unreported — sad and dark, isn’t it?

Where and what is the problem they ask. Is it the mentality or rage or a compulsive mechanism to overpower a woman’s will or just an amusement? The reason is never annotated, never justified.

And while we figure out a solid solution to this, can we just urge the government to rethink about sex education and request every parent to talk about it?

Sex education helps in learning about the mental, physical, emotional and social aspects of sexuality by making children and teenagers aware about their physical well being, health, hygiene, dignity and also enhances their skills, knowledge, attitudes and social values which further helps them in developing respectful social and sexual relationships.

And maybe this will result in a lesser number of incidents, more number of people talking about it in a healthy way and more parents supporting their children for the justice and life they deserve?

Unlike the family of this minor in Rajasthan, people would not wait until the delivery and speak about the evil and fight against it — and maybe then no brother would think of raping his sister, no father would sell his daughter for a meagre amount of four lakh, and no husband would throw acid on his wife’s face in the name of purity!

Can we still hope for that dawn?

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