How to Deal When Your Adopted Child Wants to Meet Her Birth Parents

Highlights

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family.

Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents.

It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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Adoption is a lifelong journey that brings in many emotions, challenges, and precious moments along the way. Along with the joy of adding a child to your family and becoming a parent, it may also bring many complications while raising them.

All adoptive parents struggle to balance the varying emotions of their children, especially when their children wish to contact their biological families.

As an adoptive parent, you may have so much love and compassion towards your child. You might have spent all your time and energy focusing on her future. But what if your adopted child wants to meet her birth parents? How could you cope with this?

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family. Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents. Some parents call it disloyalty to those who adopted and raised them with love. It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

Overcome your fears

The biggest issue faced by most adoptive parents is the sense of insecurity about their child. As an adoptive parent, you may have fears that contacting your child’s birth parents may negatively affect your relationship with her.

Do not perceive your child’s desire to know her birth parents as a betrayal. It may be an act of curiosity to know where she came from and who her birth parents are. Just because she wishes to see her birth family does not mean she doesn’t love you.

Does the child’s contact with her birth parents threaten our relationship with the child?

What if she wants to return to live with her birth parents?

What if the birth mother tries to reclaim her child?

While different questions pop up in your mind that make you unstable, try to figure out what exactly your fears and worries are. It helps you to prepare yourself before you communicate with your child about what your kid is feeling about her birth parents. It gives you an idea of what decisions to make in your child’s best interests without hurting them.

If you are unable to know, seek the support of your friends or a therapist to help you sort out what your fears are and what your expectations are.

You need not feel guilty about being selfish. After all, you truly love your child, and so you are scared that you might lose the bond with your adopted child.

Communicate with your kid

Just imagine the unsettling emotion of your child when she has just discovered that she was adopted. It is hard for both you and your child to tackle the situation. Have patience and take efforts to understand the underlying issues and emotions of your adopted child.

Acknowledge the fact that your adopted kid has every right to know and understand the people from whom they came, their way of life, and more. She did not choose you, but you chose her. She never had an idea of what was happening to her or what her future would be.

If your kid is interested in finding his birth parents, encourage her to talk through the reasons to trace her birth family. Let her know that you understand the reasons to find out her birth parents.

Do not try to dictate what she should do regarding her birth parents. It can cause emotional ups and downs in your child that may lead to confusion and depression.

Tell her story and the circumstances that led to her adoption. Be honest to your kid and tell her what you know about her birth family. Assure your kid that you are ready to support her all the way. That would mean everything to her, even if she does not show it.

Supporting your child’s interests and connecting with her experiences can help you keep your child’s interests ahead of your own.

Partner with her birth parents

Supporting your child to find her birth parents is difficult but can be worth it.

The contact of your adopted child with her birth parents contributes to your child’s happiness and a sense of well-being. It gives her a sense of security that both the adoptive and birth parents support her throughout the life. It can also strengthen your relationship with your child.

The bottom line

Drop everything that is holding you back and let go of your emotions and fears. Support your child’s independence to make big decisions and respond in the best interest of your child.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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Influencers on Instagram are known for having a big and dedicated audience in a particular segment like lifestyle, fashion, food, travel, etc. But then there are those who use the platform to spread awareness, body positivity, share their struggles or promote social causes in the hope that they will probably give hope and inspiration to that one person who is struggling to embrace their struggles, be it inward or outward.

Here are four Instagram influencers who are spreading body positivity by posting about the side of beauty that the industry never represents- vitiligo, acne, body size. things which should be normal because human beings come in all shapes and sizes, but unfortunately we only see the fair, slim, smooth-skinned models take the space in media when it comes to representation. As we feature some of their inspiring posts from their Instagram feed, we also wish more power to them. May their tribe grow.

Riya Agrawal

Instagram: rhea_agrawal

(Rhea Agrawal), 23-year-old vitiligo influencer from Mumbai, currently residing in London

“People are gonna label you. It’s how you overcome those labels, that’s what matters. All this time through vitiligo I’ve been trying to spread a message to not have a fixed notion of beauty. I’m not sure if I’ve failed or succeeded in doing so but aren’t we all better off custom-made?”

“My account has always been about being comfortable in my own skin. And there’s no denying that. But I just wanted to come here and talk about my low days. Days when I end up comparing myself, maybe unintentionally; days when I keep on playing ‘what ifs’ in my head; days when I overthink and don’t feel like sharing it with anyone. So I get it when you all send me messages sharing your tough times and asking questions about being confident. Guess I don’t have the answer to all of them and honestly, it’s okay to feel that way. But I do know that on these days it is so important to be content with yourself first.
Try and have an inner monologue that deflects negative thoughts. Let the true you, the flawed, the messy, the excitable, the uncomfortable, the inner and outer you, spread like wildfire. Just felt like sharing this because I don’t wanna change myself even a tad bit, do you?”

PARUL SRIVASTAVA

Instagram: iampaarul

Parul is a Digital creator, Recruiter, Traveller, Storyteller, and a Vitiligo Advocate from Lucknow who has a Podcast called Unfiltered By Paarul which is heard in 20 countries.

“I always preach one thing when it comes to vitiligo and that is: Vitiligo never defines who you are. Your worth and value are not determined by it. It takes years to be on self-love journey and I am so proud of all of you who are putting themselves before anything. I salute to even those who are taking a teenie tiny step towards self-love.”

Ishita

Instagram: missmakeuphoarder

Ishita is a Beauty Content Creator and an advocate for Acne/Skin positivity. She goes by the motto- Dream. Demand. Inspire.

“If you feel that acne makes someone “ugly” then the problem is with you. My acne is not “ugly”. It’s just there and it exists and I can assure you that we are doing enough to get rid of it because it is really hard to struggle with a chronic skin condition. To all my lovelies who call themselves ugly cause, they’re struggling like I have, as much as I know that we have been told since a very young age that if we don’t look a certain way, we are ugly and that’s what we started believing in, try not calling yourself that from next time. Your acne doesn’t make you ugly and if there’s anyone trying to make you believe the same, don’t let them hold that kind of power.”

“WE DESERVE ACNE REPRESENTATION! If today I grew up watching someone like myself, I probably wouldn’t have been self-loathing in front of the mirror most of my life. It’s mostly because of how you portrayed women is why a young child believed that she wasn’t good enough to fit in. You made us young girls believe that you need to look a certain way to feel beautiful and that we can never belong in the industry. I know that not much of it has changed but we NEED to work on it.”
Brands, just not on social media but also on television commercials, show us women with real/textured/acne/hyperpigmented skin. Women are constantly subjected to the stereotypical beauty standards, you can try to make a change.
For example, when you promote something for people with acne, get yourself a model who really has acne and not a small drawn zit on some big actress because it’s only benefitting your brand. What about the people watching you? Also not the ones that fit into your box of “looks cute” but the ones you know that might make someone feel uncomfortable because when you start to have conversations on normalising something, you know that it will make some people uncomfortable but it’s for the better. Don’t give us unrealistic expectations. Let us know that it’s completely normal to have acne. Show us real advertisements. Show us women with real skin conditions. We deserve it after all these years. Don’t fail the coming young generations. Change the narrative! I’m doing your part, when will you?

Diksha Singhi

Instagram: alwaysalittleextra

Diksha Singhi is a Digital creator who is Reclaiming her space in the fitness and fashion industry and is no longer at war with her body.

“Fat women have also been sexually abused massively, because offenders feel that it’s easy to lure a fat woman, because again, who else is going to have sex with her, anyway.And because of this, so many of us don’t feel attractive enough. We don’t take full-body pictures. We feel under-confident. But why?
Our Indian goddesses were always well-rounded. Did they not find love or were single all their lives? We have such a distorted perception of beauty. We can either wait for us to #loseweight and then find love for ourselves or we can start living our lives right here, right now. There are people out there who will find you attractive with those curves. Who will laugh with you at your jokes and who would want to marry all of you including your double chin. But for that, you need to be open to love. Choose a #healthyrelationship, where your #health matters. Not the way you look. Don’t hate your body. Don’t love your body either. Treat it like a body. Love your complete self. And don’t ever change yourself or your weight just because that will help you find love or getting married!|

Images and quotes courtesy of the respective Instagram accounts.