How to Deal When Your Adopted Child Wants to Meet Her Birth Parents

Highlights

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family.

Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents.

It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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Adoption is a lifelong journey that brings in many emotions, challenges, and precious moments along the way. Along with the joy of adding a child to your family and becoming a parent, it may also bring many complications while raising them.

All adoptive parents struggle to balance the varying emotions of their children, especially when their children wish to contact their biological families.

As an adoptive parent, you may have so much love and compassion towards your child. You might have spent all your time and energy focusing on her future. But what if your adopted child wants to meet her birth parents? How could you cope with this?

It is natural for an adopted child to be curious about their birth family. Most of the adoptive parents get hurt with the strong desire of their child to discover their birth parents. Some parents call it disloyalty to those who adopted and raised them with love. It may cause the feeling of rejection, leading to severe consequences.

Overcome your fears

The biggest issue faced by most adoptive parents is the sense of insecurity about their child. As an adoptive parent, you may have fears that contacting your child’s birth parents may negatively affect your relationship with her.

Do not perceive your child’s desire to know her birth parents as a betrayal. It may be an act of curiosity to know where she came from and who her birth parents are. Just because she wishes to see her birth family does not mean she doesn’t love you.

Does the child’s contact with her birth parents threaten our relationship with the child?

What if she wants to return to live with her birth parents?

What if the birth mother tries to reclaim her child?

While different questions pop up in your mind that make you unstable, try to figure out what exactly your fears and worries are. It helps you to prepare yourself before you communicate with your child about what your kid is feeling about her birth parents. It gives you an idea of what decisions to make in your child’s best interests without hurting them.

If you are unable to know, seek the support of your friends or a therapist to help you sort out what your fears are and what your expectations are.

You need not feel guilty about being selfish. After all, you truly love your child, and so you are scared that you might lose the bond with your adopted child.

Communicate with your kid

Just imagine the unsettling emotion of your child when she has just discovered that she was adopted. It is hard for both you and your child to tackle the situation. Have patience and take efforts to understand the underlying issues and emotions of your adopted child.

Acknowledge the fact that your adopted kid has every right to know and understand the people from whom they came, their way of life, and more. She did not choose you, but you chose her. She never had an idea of what was happening to her or what her future would be.

If your kid is interested in finding his birth parents, encourage her to talk through the reasons to trace her birth family. Let her know that you understand the reasons to find out her birth parents.

Do not try to dictate what she should do regarding her birth parents. It can cause emotional ups and downs in your child that may lead to confusion and depression.

Tell her story and the circumstances that led to her adoption. Be honest to your kid and tell her what you know about her birth family. Assure your kid that you are ready to support her all the way. That would mean everything to her, even if she does not show it.

Supporting your child’s interests and connecting with her experiences can help you keep your child’s interests ahead of your own.

Partner with her birth parents

Supporting your child to find her birth parents is difficult but can be worth it.

The contact of your adopted child with her birth parents contributes to your child’s happiness and a sense of well-being. It gives her a sense of security that both the adoptive and birth parents support her throughout the life. It can also strengthen your relationship with your child.

The bottom line

Drop everything that is holding you back and let go of your emotions and fears. Support your child’s independence to make big decisions and respond in the best interest of your child.

‘Hope for the Best and Do your Best’ is the most sensible adage for successful adoptive parenting.

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It’s a difficult world out there. You were my little girl and now you are ready to take on the world. You will have your own new experiences. You will make mistakes. You will stumble, fall and learn to get up. You will make new friends; some of whom I may not even approve of. You will fall in love and might have a heart break or two. You will learn and discover many things on your own, but there are a few things that I always want you to remember –

You are beautiful

There is no such thing as a perfect body. The society, the billboards, the tv commercials and the movies may suggest that there is, but in reality, people come in every shape and size. It is okay that you want to look your best. But always remember that a good heart is what makes you more beautiful and a smile is the best makeup you can wear.

Understand your hormones

Getting a period is an important part of womanhood, it means you can be a mother if and when you decide to be one. You may see your friends being unperturbed during that time of the month, while you may wriggle in pain, or may be irritable.It is fine to feel how you are and its okay to talk about it. Each woman has a different menstrual experience. Try to understand your cycle and how your body responds to it. Don’t let your hormones takes over your life, just be prepared for it.

Stand up for yourself

You will meet people who will try to judge or change the way you think, the way you talk, the way you carry yourself, the way you act. It is okay to listen to them, if you wish to. But do not be afraid to voice your opinions and your beliefs, even if you think you might offend someone. Be respectful to them, but do not think twice about standing up for yourself. You do not have to accept the things that you are not okay with. If you are not happy with the way someone is treating you, the way someone is talking to you, the way someone is touching or looking at you, let it be known – loud and clear.

Do what you do – because you want to, not because the society expects you to

More often than not we let the society mould our thoughts and actions – what clothes to wear when, what profession to choose, when to marry and when to have babies. We do not need to live by these rules. Do what you love. Follow your heart and that ways you will never be disappointed. And yes, you can choose to be single all your life. You can decide to focus on your career, or be a doting mother to your babies or do both. The choice is yours. But of course, be sensitive to people whom you are sharing your journey with.

Be Financially Independent

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it still is important. The confidence you gain from being financially independent cannot be gained in any other way. You can never predict the hardships or unforeseen incidents that may happen in the future. But the confidence that you can handle things on your own, if need be, can be very reassuring. You don’t need a man, or for that matter anyone to take care of you. You can take care of yourself.

Everyone is equal

You are equal to the men around you. Don’t let the society make you believe otherwise. You deserve the same opportunities, the same chances, the same freedom, the same choices that men get. And if there is anything they can achieve, you can too. It is your capability that determines the heights you reach and not your gender. Treat men also with the same respect that you expect them to treat you.

I want you to remember all this, but most of all want you to remember that I will always have your back and will always be around when you need me. You were my little girl, and you always will be.