Domestic Violence In Lesbian Relationships

Highlights

Identified as a growing social problem, violence in intimate lesbian partners includes sexual, physical, or psychological abuse.

Sadly, domestic violence in lesbian relationships is less likely to be reported to the police as many states and countries still do not recognize same-sex relationships and marriages.

Creating awareness ensures that those at the receiving end of the violence will have better access to services and, ultimately, get the help they need.

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Does the term “domestic violence” conjure up an image of a husband (physically or otherwise) abusing his wife? If you answered yes, like most of us, then we all have some re-thinking to do. The thing is, domestic violence in our country, and largely in the world as well, is always assumed to be violence taking place in a heterosexual relationship. However, recent studies show that rates of domestic violence among same-sex partners can be equal if not at a higher level than heterosexual ones.

Often, calls for help from abused partners in same-sex relationships tend to be ignored by authorities. The matter isn’t considered “serious”. But why is this so? And what can be done to change this? In this article, I’ll be digging deep into domestic violence, particularly in lesbian relationships, hoping to throw some light and create awareness about this issue.

What is Lesbian Partner Violence & What Are Its Causes?

Identified as a growing social problem, violence in intimate lesbian partners includes sexual, physical, or psychological abuse. Although, according to researchers, physical violence is more prevalent.

Firstly, it’s essential to know where the violence stems from and what are the possible causes. Some experts believe that same-sex relationships are the subject of added stressors. These stressors can be internal and external. External stressors are a result of society’s ill-treatment and discrimination towards the LGBT community.

On the other hand, internal stressors are the ones more harmful and damaging. It is when the abuser projects negative feelings and attitudes about themselves onto their partner. And in most cases, the person subjected to abuse begins to believe that they deserve the violence due to all the internalized negative beliefs they have about themselves!

Is Lesbian Domestic Violence Reported To The Police?

Sadly, domestic violence in lesbian relationships is less likely to be reported to the police. A common reason for this is that many states and countries still do not recognize same-sex relationships and marriages. The law fails to protect lesbian partners. Thus, the person abused is reluctant to report the violence in fear of coming out as homosexual and receiving prejudicial treatment.

And even if someone does report it, the complaint may not be taken seriously by authorities and legal bodies. And, the reason for that? The common misconceptions we have in society about violence in general. We often think of violence as that propagated by a man or someone with more physical strength onto the woman. Unfortunately, this prejudice does more harm than that.

When violence in a lesbian relationship gets reported, it’s somehow always assumed that the partner who has more physical strength or who is more butch is the one who’s at fault. But this is absolutely untrue. Abuse has more to do with power and control and less to do with muscularity and physical might. It’s time we learn/unlearn to equate violence perpetration with men and masculinity.

What Can We Do To Help?

Activists say that raising awareness of the problem of abuse in same-sex relationships can be particularly helpful. Creating awareness ensures that those at the receiving end of the violence will have better access to services and, ultimately, get the help they need. Some liberal and progressive states in the US such as Massachusetts have introduced various fundings and provisions to ensure gay victims of domestic violence receive the same access and help that a heterosexual person would receive.

To imagine the same happening in India is, of course, not an overnight dream. Especially in a country where merely acknowledging and accepting same-sex relationships is frowned upon, providing help to victims in such relationships can be far-fetched.

But I firmly believe that when people come together, change happens. If you’re looking to help, start by looking out for the people around you. Someone you know is going through something similar, and they confide in you? Let them know that they can call and rely on you for help in any way.

The silence that has existed around lesbian relationships, and now around their domestic violence issues, is the biggest threat here. The various myths, fears, taboos, and discrimination have prevented this from becoming the subject of a public discussion. It’s high time you and I speak up and break this silence, shall we?

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I was backpacking in the Himalayas last year when I got a chance to stay with this family ― a beautiful couple with two lovely children.

The youngest one, Laddoo, was some 10-11 months old and was one of the most notorious creatures I’ve ever seen in my life. As life had got some weird plans for me…soon, she became my internship!!

I’ve always stayed away from children ― particularly toddlers! Those tiny little humans harness the power of disrupting anyone’s life. And me being a complete intolerant human, likes to stay away from them as much as possible.

But, I’m also one of those who happens to invite trouble in their life by themselves.

As a result, I started offering help to Laddoo’s mother ― with her kid’s drawings, petty mathematics sums, and evening walks.

What started as a one-hour-day job with Laddoo soon turned into a multiple-hours-days job, and my hourly tutorial classes soon turned into an unwanted summer internship program!

I won’t say that it was entirely bad! I loved playing with her ― listening to her wordless voice was musical. The only word she had ever uttered was ‘papa’ ― everything and everybody was ‘papa’ to her!

I taught her some other small words ― told her the exact location of her eyes, nose and ears and loved experimenting with her taste buds. She loved sweet, hated spicy. Her face, after tasting lemon for the first time, was the most funniest face I’d ever seen in my life. Her first walk in the woods was incredible ― to both of us. She loved playing with calves, smelled roads like a tiny puppy and shouted in the farms with her every ounce of power.

That little human never liked to stay in one place. She was this massive ball of energy who loved bouncing in every corner. She was always ready to bite stuff since she’d already begun her teething. And one day, she didn’t hesitate to bite me (I can still feel that pain in my arm)!

She made me furious sometimes and amazingly happy too. She made me wonder about things, and I loved exploring with her. At times, when she used to sleep in my arms after a long tiring day, that used to be my happy spot ― my piece of warmth and happiness 🙂

And she made me think ――― what kind of mother would I be?

I realized I could be an excellent babysitter or even a fun & loving aunt, a superhero, a sister but a mother? Laddoo’s mother was one of the most tiring persons I ever encountered. She was always sleepy, always complaining. She loved her kids, undoubtedly! But her face was a total nightmare to me!

And THAT scares me.

Why?

Is it because of that bar our society has set for us? That undefined, untold rule that says that every mother is supposed to be a Super Mom? A rule which expects a woman to become a mother the day her eggs meet sperms?

Sounds biased? But isn’t that what we have always seen? Women become mothers right after getting pregnant, but men become fathers after their child’s birth.

I’m not saying that men aren’t under pressure or they are free from judgement!

But as much as the men are expected to be an aadarshvadi, strict father or the breadwinner of the family, their role is pretty much summed up in between these duties by the philanthropists of our society.

But a woman is expected to be a perfect mother. And once she becomes a mother, she is forgotten as a woman. They are expected to live their life off their children’s well being, good grades, incredible sanskars and what not.

THAT scares me!

Not that I doubt that I won’t be a good mother. But what if I don’t be exceptionally well? I still don’t cook breakfasts, can live my days on salads and raw food and don’t know how to make halwas and samosas!

What if I can’t get rid of the woman inside me? Would that make me a bad mother?

Is there any course on Udemy that can make you a good mother? Or something on Amazon that you buy to make yourself extra mother-material?

They always say that becoming a mother is a natural process, and it transforms you with time. But what if it doesn’t transform my very nature?

And, god forbid, if my future child takes my nature, what will I do with her (and myself)!

Laddoo was the first child with whom I’d spent so much time; not to mention the last as well.

But as much as I loved that internship, I still don’t see myself doing a full-time job in that department. And THAT scares me!

How has been your motherhood journey so far? Share with us in the comments below or DM at @infano.care. Even if you are someone who’s not a mother yet and wish to share your thoughts, write to us with #MotherMaterial.

To all the Laddoos out there, may you grow well and get the best of your childhood 🙂
Cheers!!