Three and a half years back, when I first moved to Gurgaon, little did I know that I would be exploring a whole new world — a world where I would get to rediscover myself.
I belong to a pretty open-minded family — we talk about alcohol, parties, homosexuals, transgenders and several social issues which my generation generally doesn’t discuss with parents. I do talk about transgenders and homosexuals but never really discussed that ‘what if I’m one of them!’
My life was running on one track for a good long time until Gurgaon showed me the other faded track which I had been continuously ignoring.
It started with a friend of mine who used to stay at my hostel. It was pure magic! We met — started talking — became good friends — and soon, were roaming in the entire city together. I found her beautiful and soft in every way; she, on the other hand, found me bold and strong in every way.
It was a perfectly blended combination one would ever need. But our friendship started haunting me after she hijacked my dreams. I have dreamt about her multiple times, and we were in an intimate situation every time! I initially ignored this thinking that it might be one of those ‘my body needs it’ moments, but when she left me after six months, I realized how much she mattered to me!
I couldn’t cry my heart out; neither could replace her with anyone else. Gurgaon became just another metro city for me with lifeless lightings and heartless parties.
And things started to change after 14 months when I met this colleague of mine. She reminded me of a lost soul that my heart was craving for. We clicked instantly — became friends, and soon flatmates, despite the fact that we had to travel for hours to reach office; all we wanted was to come home — back to that soul who cherished us for who we were.
There was no confession between us. We did not discuss ‘things’ or termed each other. The only question that popped between us was ‘have you ever kissed a girl?’ The answer was the same — no. And the expectation was no different. We used to sleep in each others’ arms for hours — to find that solace that no other person could ever get us.
It was hard initially — to hide from people and to pretend that she was just another flatmate who used to pay half of the rent. We had our own share of fights, makeups and celebrations. And it was perfect until I decided to move out of this ‘un-named’ relationship.
Why? Because I was getting addicted to her. And you might not want to live your entire life as a homosexual in this country!
People have this weird theory about bisexual people which I somehow agree with. We bisexuals can adjust with anyone — if you do not get to live with the woman of your choice, you can definitely get to stay with the man of your choice. Unlike homosexuals, we bisexuals might adjust behind the closet, and never really get out in public.
But you know what? It’s not that easy as it seems. It’s nothing less than feeling choked. It’s hard and harsh on oneself!
It’s brutal! — to hide your true feelings from people you admire. It’s brutal to get judged by people saying, ‘oh, so you are a bisexual? Ever had a threesome, huh?’ And it’s brutal to pretend like nothing’s wrong with your life when the fact is that you cannot even take the responsibility of your own sexuality!
I belong to that category of women who can easily get laid with men whenever they want to but cannot confess their feelings to the women they admire — no matter how desperate they are!
A constant fear of judgement, rejection and mockery defines my life and my ambitions. And it would not be wrong to say that this entirely is killing me from inside.
But I decided to change this course slowly — by confessing my feeling — one person at a time. By confessing who I’m or what I feel and what I desire. I know this will take time — a year or a lifetime, who knows! But I do not want to regret it during my last, imagining how life would have been if I had mustered up the courage that day and stopped that women from leaving me behind. Those six months could have turned into an entire lifetime.
Would she have loved me back? Who knows!
Here I’m signing off — a 29 YO unmarried bisexual Indian woman who loves sex more than food and lives a bra-less life.
As said to the author. The protagonist is a stand comic artist, theatre artist and an investment banker by profession.