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        • How to deal with depression and mood swings during menopauseHow to deal with depression and mood swings during menopause
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        • 20210228_174230_0000Ways to Deal with the Symptoms of Menopause
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        • endometriosis#MyStory: How I am fighting with Endometriosis
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Bantering The Idea Of Gender-Defining Attire!

Written By: Sonali
August 16, 2020 |
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Friday the 13th it was! July 13, 2018.

I was walking swiftly through the lush green campus of one of the premier institutions of the country when one of my old batchmates slowed me down.

“Nandish!” He said.
“Neena!” I explained!

I was joyous but restless at the same time. Did he really recognise me? I sensed sudden disapproval on his face. But I was still hoping for an accepting gesture from his side.

“You look the same!” he asserted!

My expressions went haywire. At the very least, the transformations on my face included threaded eyebrows, nevermind the light lipstick and mascara.

I tried to dodge his remarks. It was a college reunion, and I was expecting a few to recognise me, but the claims that I didn’t change at all made me sad. 

It took me a lot of courage, two suicide attempts and three years of constant therapy sessions to become who I am today. I am Neena and not Nandish.

Though at the time of reunion, I was very much into my masculine avatar with a little dash of a feminine touch. With a loose t-shirt and body fit denim, I resembled that of a man. But with the heeled boots, gentle walk, and the light makeup I was wearing, I constantly reminded others that I was not a man.

I realised that it was not their fault. The society we belonged to was used to categorise and generalise others by the way they look, the clothes they wear and the expressions they share.

This very reason convinced me to get out of my comfort zone to look like the one I always felt from inside.

With heavy makeups, shimmery clothes and a feminine accent I showed the world the lady I was, I always wanted to be.

But over time, I realised that it wasn’t sustainable. No matter what I did, society really never accepted me. They never accepted that part of mine which I tried to hide for 25 years!

I was so obsessed with my femininity that I went out of my ways to reflect it on my skin. But as I grew more, I realised that it was all sham! I also realised that my femininity was my identity and it was not tied by any kind of clothes or makeup!

But what was more depressing was the fact that a few men started considering me just an object. 

Yes, ladies, I have also been objectified like you and molested in a more filthy manner than you can imagine. I have also been offered to share a bed with almost every gender I met. 

Why is it so hard for people to understand that my gender identity or my sexuality doesn’t really declare my availability?

I was oppressed, emotionally violated and mocked.

I, eventually, gave up on my idea of transition. I also gave up on the external factors which were responsible for my identity.

I’m now pretty much happy in my skin. I wear what I love. Sometimes, it’s a shimmer skirt and sometimes a trouser. I wear pink, yellow and black and every other colour that is not limited to a particular gender. I’m still mocked by people, but I don’t let them violate me. I don’t let them oppress me anymore.

My femininity is not just a choice but a feeling, an emotion which I can’t let get oppressed.

So after I met this old batchmate, I went ahead to meet a few more folks. Some of them were surprised to see the little change I carried and some were happy that I finally did it. 

I guess that’s what life is pretty much all about. There will be certain people who will object to your changes, some will be surprised yet silent, but then, there will always be this clan of your kind of people. They will value you more than what you look like.

That night I carved my body again, in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked up at myself again. I recalled how I used to look — with my broad shoulders, enchanting smile, deep beard and thick hair. I recalled how I used to be the most eligible boy in my department. 

Did I do something wrong? Did I mess it up? Did I miss my only chance of being loved by others?

I always pondered these questions. As if my past wanted to pull me out of my present. But femininity is not just a term — the idea of womanhood is not sham. 

People often ask me about my gender. They also ask if I am a gender fluid or a gay or a trans. And I always tell them I am a simple human being who feels like a woman, dresses like a man mostly and carries the idea of empathy and emotions despite the trash I’ve always received. I do not want a label.

And I realised I don’t want to convince myself anymore either. And while I was looking at that ‘most eligible man’ in the mirror, I touched my skin for one more time. And I smiled at the beautiful woman I am today.

There is a lot to happen, probably a lot to face. At 28, I am still exploring my sexuality, still figuring out the labels I can give to myself. But for a matter I know now, I was and will always be a woman. 🙂

As told to the author!!

lgbtLGBTIMTFTransgenderTransition

Sonali

A 'non-9-5 desk job' ambivert geek who chooses her own audience, Sonali loves sharing stories and finding the corners where humanity still exists! She believes that every individual's story is unique and special. She loves writing about the untouched and unspoken segments of society. When not writing, you can find her listening to someone's stories or playing with dogs. Sonali values mental health and encourages people to speak their heart out! Check her thoughts at www.theobstinategirl.com

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Has The Pandemic Put You Through ‘Social Pain’?

Written By: Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin
February 23, 2021 | 10:00 AM |
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The pandemic has made us socially grow apart (quite literally). With all the quarantine, lockdown, and social distancing that the world has gone through, and as humans slowly try to cope with the new normal of isolation and social distancing, psychologists say that many might be undergoing a condition called social pain or the pain of social disconnection.

What is social pain?

Social pain is caused by events such as feeling excluded from social connections or activities, rejection, bullying, the sickness or death of a loved one, a romantic break-up.

Social pain involves painful emotions caused by situations involving other people, such as feeling rejected, alone, ostracized, devalued, abandoned, or disconnected.

Healthline

The world we live in today has only escalated this for us. Sudden loss of loved ones to the pandemic, unable to meet friends and family, children not being able to go to school, people not going to the office and working from home, not able to attend social gatherings and events have only added to the turmoil.

We often perceive pain as something that is physically felt. Psychologists say that the pain caused by this is equal to feeling physical pain as it activates the same part of the brain.

Hence many might be going through social pain which may manifest in the form of heartbreak, depression, missing someone, feeling isolated, abandoned, or disconnected from loved ones, and maybe overwhelming and difficult to comprehend or express as it’s only felt emotionally.

Ways to cope with social pain in a COVID-19 world

Feelings of social pain can be intolerable and while it may not be seen or felt, it is real and should not be dismissed. It helps to seek out to a loved one or professional help in the form of therapy for those who may feel they are unable to cope.

However, if you or a loved one feels that you may be going through this, here are some ways to help you get through.

Accept that the pain is real

Accepting that social pain is as real as physical pain helps you to connect with your feelings instead of dismissing it. Know that there is nothing wrong with that. Identifying that one may be going through something and may need help is the first step towards healing.

Avoiding to thinking about the social situation

Though this is easier said than done, focus on the happy memories. A good sleep and rest, listening to music, hugging loved ones and pets, a warm shower or bath, meditation, sweet smells from a scented candle can all heighten and elevate the mood.

Find a hobby or distraction

Watch TV or movies, read books, cook, get into fitness or exercise regime- this can all help overcome the void and keep one occupied. Learn the many courses available online, sign up for a new skill, learn baking or gardening. Practice yoga. There are so many things to do. Find the thing that brings out the best in you.

Try new forms of technology to communicate

Thanks to technology, communication has become more personal over the years.  Email, phone calls, video-based calls, such as Zoom and FaceTime can all help to keep you connected with friends and family. Keep a tab on your loved ones and make sure you help each other cope with these distressing times by staying connected and looking out. Or just reach out to your neighbour over the window and say hi every now and then.

However, if feelings of social pain persist for over a few weeks, it is best to reach out to a mental health professional.

mental healthmental illnesssocial pain

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin has done her masters in Journalism & Communication and has worked as a senior journalist, editor and columnist for leading publications like The Logical Indian, Deccan Chronicle, Worldwide Media Corporation, The Bridge and Provoke.
With Infano, she hopes to create more awareness about women’s health issues. Suffering with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition, she has also been advocating for its awareness through media.

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