Friend Or Foe: The Paradox Of A Male Feminist?

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Feminism comes from the place of oppression and injustice. Women or non-binary individuals who have lived experiences of prejudices and traumas based on their gender identity can look at feminism as a support system along with it being a philosophy and policy platform. A dedicated conversation around feminism started in the nineteenth century to level the social and political rights between men and women.

Fast forward to the present, discourses have evolved. The plurality of any idea calls for an invested understanding of observations from all perspectives. In the vast digital expanse, everyone is equally invited to have a conversation about feminism and for all the right reasons. But what does it mean to be a cis identity, straight gender male feminist?

Gender-based code of conduct, standard bifurcation of behaviour, even emotional behaviour between men and women has been carefully segregated in the society. As men, there can be several reasons to associate with a feminist identity like dissociation with their privilege or only empathy and allyship but there are individual narratives that are insidious and does more harm than good!

Sexist but feminist

It is the year 2020 and we have pop culture not just leading but also dominating several discourses. Therefore, feminism, as a matter of fact in many ways, has also become a ‘performance’ among the Gen Z to seek relevance. The question naturally arises, ‘How?’ Simply put, a modern-day discourse around feminism has bred an academic pretence to establish a social capital that comes from being validated by several progressive groups.

Privilege And Convenience Feminism

It is rather convenient to participate in conveyor’s theorizations around feminism only when it is in a public space. We are manifesting the same ideals at home more often than not becomes both inconvenient and unnecessary. In context, it is a simple observation that a lot of us still choose to depend on the domestic labour of our mothers and wives while we feel entitled to our association with the idea of feminism.

Sexual Predators

With regards being identified as a feminist has a lot of pros for a Cisgender straight man, because of the ally treatment from women, now men having been conditioned to actively look for a partner through the evolution of dating, this seems like a ploy to get laid and several men have been called out for it, over recent years. We’ve seen a lot of examples of this in the wake of the recent Twitter call-outs in the past 3 years. It’s come to a point where these men have used calling themselves a ‘’feminist’’ as pick up line.

As good the intentions are of the men, it is important to constantly question not just one’s prejudices but also one’s privileges because feminism is not just a belief, it’s a practice. Additionally, as feminists and allies, it is only fair to take up responsibility and spot these problems in their circles.

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Infano brings to you 10 Days Of Mental Health in collaboration with The Logical Indian in lieu of World Mental Health Day on October 10. Let’s talk about what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its repercussions on mental health.

Narcissus was a mythological Greek hunter who as the legend goes, saw his reflection in the water and fell hopelessly in love, with himself. A person who is obsessed with himself and has a sense of superiority is called a Narcissist.

What is Narcissistic personality disorder ?

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition in which a person has an exaggerated sense of his/her own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration and troubled relationships with family and at work”, says Dr. Anirudh Kala, a psychiatrist. “There is a striking lack of empathy for others because of which there is an inability to perceive the needs and feelings of others.”

What is Narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse inflicted by someone who suffers from narcissism. The dynamics of abuse are very complex to understand, and the damage such an experience causes can only be known when experienced first-hand.

People who see it on the surface level force you to move on even forget about what happened or let it go as if it was that easy. They even start blaming you covertly by saying things like, “you attracted the abuse because there are unhealing parts within you or allowed it to happen.”
Past traumas play a role in the relationships we choose, but that is not the only factor.

The dynamics are similar to the dynamics of being captured in jail if you were to understand the research-based psychological principles behind abuse dynamics. it doesn’t only affect us emotionally but on all levels.
The abuser gets to the core of your psyche and then controls you in insidious ways and that control changes your personality. They will minimize your suffering blame it on you for causing it in the first place.

How to identify Narcissistic behaviour?

A person with NPD may have the following traits:

Shows extreme confidence but has vulnerable self-esteem which to the slightest criticism and often leads to lashing out and vengeful behavior when wishes are not fulfilled. Has a very strong sense of entitlement which needs to be constantly fed with excessive admiration. Spends a lot of time in grooming and keeping the wardrobe updated.
Is preoccupied with fantasies about his/her success, power, brilliance, beauty, or handsomeness.
Believes in self-superiority and associates only with people who are similarly placed because they are the only ones who will understand them.
Feels a need to outshine others in order to exaggerate self-achievements and talents.
Is manipulative, exploitative, and insists on having the best of everything — the best car, the corner office, and the best house out of the company pool, the best corporate jet.
Feels an innate need to be in control of things and situations. They want to be informed of their partner’s whereabouts, will check and keep a tab on their social media and correspondence, will criticize and control the aspects of their physical appearances, and will be the decision-maker on their behalf as if the partner’s say or opinion has nothing to do.
Monopolizes conversations to the dismay of your friends and colleagues. They will want to head the conversation often bordering on their accomplishments and superiority and will offer unsolicited opinions.
Blames you when adversity strikes. Projection of blame is more like a self-defense mechanism they employ when they feel psychologically threatened. This can be frustrating and unfair as the partner gets accused of doing things that they aren’t actually doing.
Lacks empathy or the ability to identify with or recognize the experiences and feelings of other people. They want everything to be about them and belong to them. They have zero respect for personal boundaries often mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating others with their speech and actions.

How to deal with Narcissistic behaviour?

Marital disharmony is common between such partners because the other can feel overpowered by a sense to upkeep the NPD’s reputation and may feel their partner is their ‘energy stealer’. However, relationships can work if one is a highly passive person content to be in the shadow. The image of bravado actually masks a strongly risk-averse personality.

Persons with NPD are more prone than others to develop depression and paranoid disorders. Identifying such personality streaks, therefore, becomes necessary. Asking a Narcissist to undergo therapy is easier said than done. One can instead lookout for support groups. Sometimes it may take some convincing because usually, they begin to think that a manipulative interaction between them and their partner is normal and that’s how generally relationships are. A strong support group can help the victim to break out of this assumption and help them realize the extent of manipulation by their partner and slowly break away from it.

If you or someone you know is in a manipulative relationship, it is best to seek help.