We women are often judged for everything — from what we eat to how we look, how we walk, how we dress to what we speak — we are judged for every damn thing!
And I guess that’s what made me underconfident and a big-time introvert!!
I remember going to college with my hair tied because people made fun of my frizzy hair. Oh, and the clothes I wore — never dared to wear a sleeveless one. Those judging eyes of both men and women always haunted me as I walked down the lane.
It still does!!
I couldn’t ever make friends, not even girls, let alone boys. My self-confidence was right under my bed, and I couldn’t even hold it up together.
Being a sexually assaulted kid, it was even more difficult to interact with new people, and I never really could trust anyone.
Schools and elders never bothered to teach me about sex education, and my periods were just another trauma that happened to me. Well, atleast I thought so!
I wonder how much things would have been different if I was thought everything — if I was told to trust myself — if I was taught to value my soul over my skin!!
After innumerable infatuations and a couple of heartbreaks, I was finally able to work my relationship out. I experienced love, and my body experienced sensations that can never be explained.
But alas! It didnt last long. And my forever prince just became another lost chapter of my life.
But a relationship did teach me a lot!!
I remember a guy telling me once that it was completely okay to touch yourself — to tickle yourself and feel pleasures. I had met that guy via some dating app. Well, he wasn’t the first to preach to me — seems like lack of sex was so much visible on my face!! Does it really happen, huh?
And then I tried — took his advice and in that one moment of guilty pleasure I learnt more about my vagina and the g-spot than any biology book could have taught me ever!
Did I feel bad? Hell yes!
And oh, how can I forget when the movie ‘veere ki wedding’ released and Swara Bhaskar taught the whole nation about masturbation. I was like, ‘hawww, we can talk about it too!!’
Yes, I was in my cocoon confiding in myself, thinking what a big sinister I am only because my body needed something that biology could explain but societal values could not.
And after months of struggle, self-doubt, lack of confidence, and some one night stand, I learnt that it is fine and somewhat necessary to masturbate — that in the end, our body is just a machine that needs repair and it’s all about chemicals.
The more I made love to myself — the more I fell in love with myself — the more I cherished my skin and every organ.
You don’t really need social validation from some random xyz because they are not you — I learnt this the hard way.
All you need is to accept yourself. Eventually, you will age, your skin will wrinkle, and you might get fat — let’s be practical — we all will. But your body belongs to you — only you. Cherish it, explore it, love it and enjoy it before it stops working.
As told to the author!