Here's Why I Wish To Have An Affair

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I am a happy wife, mother and a working woman. But I wish to have an affair.

Judging me already, are you?

For years I have been slogging day and night for the happiness of my family. Waking up in the mornings, dressing up my kids for school, tending to my old in-laws, cooking, packing lunch.

When I return home, I rush to make dinner. Then it’s time for me to turn teacher and tend to the daily school work of my children. By the end of the day when it’s time to retire, I am a mess. Perspiring. Tired. A sight that is totally unromantic for my hubby.

“You’ve lost your charm, he says”, looking at my shapeless body, at my saggy breasts which were once firm, at my tummy covered now with layers of fat, left from childbirth. “Why don’t you work out? Look at all the Bollywood bahus even after their deliveries. You must learn to take care of yourself”.

That night I mull at his words, thinking about the lives of the celebs, how they have it together. They work and workout. But wait, they also have a support system and the financial means to afford the extra help for their house and kids, don’t they? Access to the latest beauty treatments and self-care? I try to think if there is some extra time or energy that I may have left from my day to cram some physical activity into it before I hit the bed.

I miss my life; life when I looked perfect; when I was desired. I look around me and see the lack of excitement and romance now. And then, I wish to have an affair. Yes, yes I know how slutty it sounds. But I want to have an affair, I want to be touched, desired. I want to feel that rush of adrenaline and butterflies that is felt in a new love. A loving caress, an endearing hug, an acceptance of who I am, the way I am. Acceptance of my beauty, or the lack of it. Of the scars and the stretch marks and the stories they hold. Of the extra lines on my forehead, and around my eyes. I fantasize wild lovemaking as my fingers touch myself, imagining a lover in my head kissing all my imperfections. Pleasured and spent, I fall asleep.

I am doing it all, isn’t it? Then why do I have to have the extra pressure of looking young and beautiful too? Does life ever go backward? Why can’t we romance life for what it is, as it is? Why do we desire for everything to be perfect? Why are the false ideology of beauty and everlasting youth perpetuated so much to women?

I wish to have an affair- and what is an affair even? A relationship, a romance, an attachment, right? So yes, I want to have an affair- an affair with myself first and maybe with life? Where I am happy and content, and in love with myself. And the people around me are happy and content and love me back for who I am. Where my physical shortcomings and imperfections do not determine my worth as a person. Where self-care and self-love are not termed ‘selfish’.

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Growing up in a culture where discussing sex is frowned upon, it is natural for everyone to be embarrassed to discuss the concept of consent in context of physical relationships.

Most couples hesitate to discuss sex. While they enjoy talking about every other topic under the sun, they hardly talk about intimacy and sexual interests.

Even married couples feel embarrassed to talk about sexual interests with their partners. The majority do not even ask their partner whether they are comfortable for a sexual encounter before engaging in it.

People tend to assume that they have the green light by default. The idea that one person is responsible for asking or pushing for sex is not only unfair and unsafe to the other partner but is also heteronormative. It supports the belief that one person has more power and control than the other in a sexual act. This mentality can put many people in vulnerable situations that could potentially lead to sexual assault.

The most common objection to practicing consent is the belief that asking someone to kiss or touch them will “kill the mood” or be less romantic, as if being open about what is going on between two people makes it less sexy. But it is not so.

Sexual consent is an essential part of healthy relationships and should always be communicated clearly. Asking for consent must become an indispensable part of the sexual act.

Here is a guide to help you understand what consent means in the context of sex, and how to ask for consent without killing the mood.

What is a Consent?

Consent is a mutual agreement or understanding between the partners who engage in sexual activity. It is about communicating your sexual interests with your partner.

Discussions on consent improve healthy sex life and make your relationship better.

Kill the Myth – Not the Mood

The fact that consent kills the mood remains a commonly overlooked aspect. It is a myth that asking for consent breaks the mood. Talking consent with your partner strengthens your bond and helps improve your sexual relationship.

Consent is a spark when it comes to emotional connection, desire, intimacy, and sex. Talking consent is a great way to spice up your sex life and gives each partner a chance to state their needs and desires clearly.

How to ask for consent without killing the mood?

Get the guts to communicate with your partner

In general, sex and intimate relationships are vulnerable subjects, and many people feel uncomfortable initiating conversations about consent.

It is natural to feel embarrassed or feel nervous to start a conversation about consent. Talking consent helps you figure out the likes and dislikes of your partner and whether they are feeling safe with your act.

It communicates respect and builds intimacy with your partner and demonstrates your maturity. It need not be a long conversation. Just go with the flow. Ensure that it is a mutual and open conversation wherein both you and your partner can voice your comfort levels to have an enjoyable sexual experience.

Ask about your partner’s desires and interests

True romantic relationships rely on respect and trust. Couples should feel free to know each other’s interests and difficulties and should indulge in intimate talks for a healthy sexual experience.

Allow your partner to express and share their boundaries, preferences, curiosities confidently.

How to ask your partner whether she or he is ready to engage in sex?

“Are you comfortable with going ahead?”.

“Are you okay with this?”

“May I kiss you?”

Clear verbal communication in positive language is one of the greatest assets for your sexual relationship.

Respect your partner’s boundaries

If you want to move from kissing to intimate touch, try to communicate your desires with love and respect without pressuring your partner. Be honest about what you want and what you do not.

Asking for consent at every stage shows that you respect your partner’s confidentiality. Let your partner know it is okay if they want to stop or do something different.

Do not act like you feel rejected or make your partner feel like they turned you off. They might say no because they are not comfortable or not interested at that moment or for many other reasons.

Do not ask for consent again and again

Respect your partner’s feelings. Once your partner says no, let it be so. Accept it. Asking your partner repeatedly to engage in a sexual act until they give in is not consent but coercion.

One should know that a sexual encounter without consent is a sexual assault or rape, even with your married partner.

It’s not like once the consent is given, it is granted every time. Pressuring or forcing your partner into sex is a sign of an unhealthy and unsafe relationship with dangerous consequences in the future and can ruin your relation.

The Bottom-line

Consent does not break your mood but opens the way for greater clarity, safety, pleasure, and ecstasy. Take your time. Get comfortable with each other. Consensual sex can be the biggest turn on.