Understanding Consent in the BDSM Context

Highlights

BDSM involves sexual preferences involving these physical restraints (one or more).

While this may seem a scary sexual adventure, BDSM is a thriving community worldwide.

For a healthy BDSM relationship, consent is key and sacrosanct.

Making a list of things that help you feel safe and things that don’t can help constitute a code of agreement with your partner.

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BDSM – Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. For the uninitiated, BDSM involves sexual preferences involving these physical restraints (one or more). While this may seem a scary sexual adventure, the BDSM is a thriving community worldwide. Some however find the whole idea absurd, psychopathological in nature, and borderline abnormal too. But on the contrary, practitioners of BDSM are psychologically healthy individuals and more so because, for a healthy BDSM relationship, consent is key and sacrosanct.

Despite the stigma attached, BDSM is an enjoyable practice for many. It involves role-playing where one person assumes a dominant role (dom) and another person assumes a submissive role (sub). These activities often involve physical restraint, power plays, humiliation, and sometimes buhttps://indianexpress.com/audio/the-sandip-roy-show/the-bdsm-scene-in-india-with-the-kinky-collective/5638826/t not always, pain. While some enjoy a standard role, many others prefer to switch (switches).

The Kinky Collective is a BDSM community in India that has thousands of people. This group seeks to raise awareness about kink in society as well as to strengthen the BDSM community in India. They also conduct workshops on BDSM practices both online and in various cities. Many more communities like this exist and BDSM is a thriving practice in the country. And their reality is quite contrary to what people think or assume of them.

These people are wild, open to experimentation, adventure and are comfortable and more open towards their partners to discuss sexual preferences and intimacies. This shows that it is a more conscious act involving mutual informed consent of the individuals involved. Therefore, consent here becomes an integral part of the act without which there is no going forward.

The difference between abuse and BDSM borders on consent and the boundary of limitations which is protected by a “safe word”. Knowing and respecting that boundary and stopping when told the safe word is what forms the crux of the whole act and makes it pleasurable and enjoyable for those involved. Safe, sane, and consensual are the catchwords here.

Making a list of things that help you make safe and things that don’t can help constitute a code of agreement with your partner of what each feels comfortable with, their boundaries, likes, and dislikes. For example, someone may be okay with punching and hitting but not with slapping. Respecting individual choices here is everything.

Choose Your Adventure

Finding mutual ground and choosing an adventure (if not already having one) which compliments each other is important and this involves discussion and understanding each others’ preferences. For example, enjoying candle wax burn can be a kink for Some. To safely act on the kink, provide pleasure to your partner, and at the same time being sexually aroused by it, forms the crux of BDSM.

Safety Precautions

Hygiene is of utmost importance. If sexual tools are involved, sterilization of the same, using informed contraception, cleaning up later, are some precautions that need to be taken. In the case of bodily fetishes and kinks, any wounds or injuries inflicted must be immediately tended to with antibiotics, necessary bandages, ice fermentation, or whatever is required until they are healed completely.

The Safe Word

A safe word is used to stop sex, mostly in BDSM relationships. This word is prearranged by the individuals involved, calling out which means that all activity should be ceased with immediate effect. Words decided are ambiguous and unrelated to make sure they are not confused with the activity. Once the safe word is called out, everything stops immediately. Nonverbal gestures or actions can also be decided in advance for those with whom safe words don’t work.

Lawful BDSM Practice

Certain types of physical harm are simply illegal and do not come in the norms of safe practice for BDSM in some countries and should be abstained from. Torture and serious body injuries can be lethal. Criteria for distinguishing abuse from BDSM and identifying abuse within BDSM relationships should be outlined because this consent process is what helps to destigmatize consensual BDSM practices.

Consent Violations

Knowing each other’s preferences and boundaries and sometimes also rating it on a scale of 1 to 5 can help in understanding the partner(s) so that nothing new is introduced in the act which may take the other by surprise and may not be in their comfort levels.

Etiquette Surrounding Consent

Being intoxicated on drugs and alcohol may blur decision making and should not be involved in during BDSM. Being conscious and aware at all times helps to enjoy the act better and being in control of the situation.

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More than seven decades of independence and my coursemate still look for permissions to step out of home — my maid has to ask her husband every year if she can get their daughter in the next grade — my colleague seeks her husband’s permission whenever she wants to wear a dress (say a little revealing clothes in his word) — and my neighbour mostly stay at home because sharif ladkiyaan zyada nahi ghumti!

15th August — whenever I think of this day — a part of me feels like trodden off!

We, women, have got accustomed to this modern feminine patriarchy so much that we seek validations — we seek acknowledgements and acceptance to our deeds — so much that we have almost forgotten that we are no less than men in society. We are creators and not just some sort of labels.

Before the urban feministas lash out on me saying how we have evolved and grown over time — and how we are leading the nation flawlessly; let’s clear that in a population of 1.3 billion people, only approximately 48% are women.

Out of 497 million women, only close to 65% of women are literate. Oh, is that pretty high?

An ActionAid UK report found that ’80 % of women in India had experienced sexual harassment ranging from unwanted comments, being groped or assaulted.’ Now that would be pretty low for you? Ain’t it?

While Wikipedia has tried its best to glorify the improved numbers of the different aspects of conditions of women in India, my question is why we are content with such numbers? Why are we satisfied with small inclinations in numbers and not really fighting for it?

Whenever I think of this, I presume that it’s us, the women, who are somehow responsible for this condition of ours. We have been conditioned to think, behave and act in a certain way for generations, and now the whole act of unlearning is taking a toll on us as well as the society.

Have you been to smaller towns and villages? Or stayed there for long periods? From prioritising their husband’s needs over their own, these women are conditioned to live like this — by giving up on their dreams and their fate. And while me or you are fighting, struggling and working hard to fulfil our desires, these women are not. Well, they cannot. Brutal but honest!

Our generation old customs have trained us to live in a particular way. We have forgotten to celebrate our small achievements and credit our success. In a country where more than half of the male population marry only to get a full time unpaid maid for his family, are we really eligible to say that we are independent? Technically yes, but practically no!

And the irony is while such men love to be ‘retrospective progressive’, these are the ones who find it hard to digest foregoing women in their family or society.

While more women are going to college, fewer are working. In fact they are performing nearly ten times the unpaid care work as men. And while I am typing this leisurely from my room, a lot of girls are slogging off somewhere in the farm, mines, pond, house etc. in the scorching heat.

And by now, I’m assuming a lot of men would already be cursing me for writing this, but it’s high time to accept this fact — that women are suppressed in our nation, brutally. And please, no need to compare it with other nations. While I genuinely support women around the world, I’m more concerned about our bhartiya naari at this point in time.

From gender pay gap to child marriage, acid attack, domestic violence, dowry, foeticide, rape and sexual harassments, trafficking, accusations of witchcraft and what not — we are facing it all, and we need a break!

The women of our country need their independence, and I don’t know how long we will have to wait or fight for it. We are yet to get that 15th August of ours which we can celebrate wholeheartedly without a pinch of dejection in the heart.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in the article above are those of the authors’ and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of this publishing house. Unless otherwise noted, the author is writing in his/her personal capacity. They are not intended and should not be thought to represent official ideas, attitudes, or policies of any agency or institution.