Things Not To Say To An Abuse Survivor

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Abuse is the improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices, crimes, or other types of aggression. To these descriptions, one can also add the Kantian notion of the wrongness of using another human being as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. Some sources describe abuse as “socially constructed”, which means there may be more or less recognition of the suffering of a victim at different times and societies.

Types of abuse

Abuse can be of different types- physical, emotional (mental, verbal, psychological), sexual (rape, assault, harassment, molestation, pornography production, and possession) neglect (physical neglect, educational neglect, financial or material neglect).

Here are 12 things you must not say to any abuse survivor

You could have avoided it.

Believe me, if they could have prevented it they would have. No one will abuse themselves.

Here is why it would never happen to me.

No one wishes to become a statistic. You cannot put the blame of on the victim making what happened their fault.

God is punishing you for some misdeed by allowing this to happen or It was God’s will

God doesn’t wish to hurt His people.

I don’t believe you.

Respondents being disbelieved is a survivor’s greatest fear and the biggest reason why many cases of abuse go unreported. The least one can do to support abuse survivors is to believe the victim.

Maybe you just need attention.

No matter how strange it sounds, the abuse is not fabricated, unless the victim is proved to have self-harmed.

Don’t talk about it.

It’s upsetting to talk about it but that is the only way to sort through it. Not talking about it won’t make it go away.

Other people have it worse off than you.

This does not cancel or make the abuse any less. Abuse levels cannot be compared from victim to victim and the reactions are not dependent on the number of abuse sufferers. Everyone has a different reaction or tolerance threshold.

Get over it or Learn to move on.

Every survivor wishes to forget it and move on but we need to support them as they struggle

to find their way again.

Put what happened out of your minds.

Easier said than done. Some may suffer from it for days while others may remember it for a lifetime. Both are valid.

It’s no big deal

Abuse is a challenge to heal from. It haunts much after it happens in the form of PTSD, flashbacks, and dreams and can make everyday living a difficult task.

Well, it’s been months, aren’t you over it yet.

Survivors of abuse may not be ready to go back to life as it was. In fact, they may never be ready and may have to create a new life for themselves as they learn to be safe and trust again.

Oh yeah, I know a bunch of people it has happened to.

Of course, it happens to many others but that fact cannot invalidate another’s experience or trauma. Don’t belittle them by making them another number.

Also Read Dear Women, Do You Know the Sexual Harassment Laws?

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If you are someone who loves the festival of colours, you’d definitely have heard the name of Vrindavan!

This small town in Mathura is globally famous for its unmatched Holi celebrations and the tales of Radha-Krishna’s love stories.

The one-month-long Holi celebrations in Vrindavan, Barsana, Nandgaon, Govardhan and Mathura, are something almost every person wants to witness once in their lifetime.

Unfortunately, the very same town of Vrindavan, which is known for one of the greatest love stories of history, has a much darker story to tell today ― the town which was known for Krishna’s Raas Leelas is slowly becoming the city of widows today!

Vrindavan is one of the few cities where widows route to ― making it one of the biggest homes to their clan. These women are often abandoned by their families after their husband’s death, while a few of them choose to relocate voluntarily to spend a colourless remote, quiet life.

One way or another, they are left with almost nothing and live off the stipend they receive from the governmental NGOs or are forced to beg on the streets.

Widows in India are considered inauspicious and are often barred from celebrating festivals or even family gatherings and weddings. But Holi in Vrindavan brings some happiness, colour and life to the colourless lives of these women ― breaking centuries of stereotypes and redefining traditions to this overlooked section of society.

This Holi, Infano got a chance to interact with some of these women ― witness their life from inside out and understand what Holi in Vrindavan means to them!

ALSO READ: The Last Color — Neena Gupta Starrer Is A Tight Slap On Society!

“I have no words to express my joy. I never imagined that I would get the opportunity to play Holi at a temple,” said one woman. “I used to play Holi earlier also but not with so many people,” exclaimed another!

“After my husband’s death, I was abandoned in Vrindavan. Ever since, I never went back to my native place. Vrindavan is my home now. Most of the widows here depend on prasad/ bandaras (free food) for their meals,” share one old lady from West Bengal.

_{India is believed to have tens of millions of widows, and many of them moved to the town to attain solace. You will find them sitting cross-legged within the temple premises, dressed in plain white and often begging.}
_Census

Most widows hail from poor families ― from the eastern states of West Bengal, Bihar, Jharkhand and Orissa. They stay in ashrams or shelter homes spread across Vrindavan and Govardhan. Though the ashrams have free common lodging and washroom facilities, the shelters are often cramped. Very few of them have cooking arrangements, but mostly, these women need to arrange their own food.

The irony is Vrindavan is considered one of the holiest places in India. The town where women were considered as Krishna’s Gopis is now witnessing women in white ― begging on streets amidst crowd and dirt.

Another woman I talked with said, “I don’t remember when I left my home. It’s been so many years. I remember I was ignored. People stopped loving me after my husband died. I knew of Vrindavan via one of my distant relatives. I never thought that this would become my home someday. I know the ins and outs now, and recognise the locals. But I still feel something is missing in my life. Anyway, I know I will be here till my last breath. By the way, have you ever celebrated Holi here?”

It’s heart wrenching to see how society can tie one woman’s life with a man and how it can end hers with his death!

To all the people reading this, when you visit Vrindavan next time, take a moment out for these women ― listen to their heart out, share something if you can and spread smiles together. Happy Holi! 🙂

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