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The ‘Saas-Bahu’ Relationship Does Not Have To Be Toxic

Written By: Suhani Sharma
June 9, 2021

Highlights

  • A daughter-in-law and mother-in-law’s relationship has been predominantly governed by set of rules of patriarchy for ages and generations.
  • Keeping unrealistic expectations from daughter-in-law, expecting perfection from just one person in the family, carrying all the chores of the household single-handed is unfair.
  • In a non-toxic equation, the mother-in-law will try to make sure that her daughter-in-law doesn’t have to suffer the problematic practices of family and society which she had to bear in her time.
  • Quick Read
  • Full Read

Along with the partner, the ‘family of choice’ (his family) comes in a package. While we get accustomed to the former relationships, the latter one needs time and patience to bloom. Amongst them, the trickiest of all is a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law’s equation.

A relationship that has been predominantly governed by set rules of patriarchy for ages and generations. After all, if it hadn’t been the most complicated one, TV Empress, Ekta Kapoor’s company would have shut down long back.

But does it always need to be a tough nut to crack? What should ideally be a relationship of mutual understanding and respect, instead becomes an unnecessary and out-of-control mess. So, where does the mysterious common meeting ground lie? 

Keeping unrealistic expectations from daughter-in-law, expecting perfection from just one person in the family, carrying all the chores of the household single-handed is unfair.

In a non-toxic equation, the mother-in-law will try to make sure that her daughter-in-law doesn’t have to suffer the problematic practices of family and society which she had to bear in her time. It isn’t the case of harassed becomes harasser. They protect each other from outside threats.

A DIL and MIL are restricted by their positions in their relationships. Interference and lack of privacy may ruin the bond. Knowing your place, your duties, your responsibilities, and your boundaries make it a little happy to co-exist.

If nurtured with little understanding, love, and empathy, the relationship between DIL and MIL could be one of the most fruitful relationships of a woman’s life. They come to each other in a package deal, it’s difficult to exist without each other in a family setup. So it’s better they leave the age-old practices away and make efforts to be the new-age, cool, partners in crime DIL and MIL.

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In our lives, there are some relationships that we are born into and then there are some that we choose over time. We spend almost the first half of our lives with the relationships we are born into. Our sensibilities, thinking, lifestyle, manners are shaped by and amongst them. Once we grow up, we step out of our cocoon, explore the world and choose a partner to spend the rest of our lives with. Along with a life partner, we also get a family that comes as a package with them. While we get accustomed to the former relationships, the latter one needs time and patience to bloom. 

Among them, the trickiest of all is a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law’s equation.

A relationship that has been predominantly governed by a set of rules of patriarchy for ages and generations. After all, if it hadn’t been the most complicated one, TV Empress, Ekta Kapoor’s company would have shut down long back.

But does it always need to be a tough nut to crack? What should ideally be a relationship of mutual understanding and respect, instead becomes an unnecessary and out-of-control mess. So, where does the mysterious common meeting ground lie?  

I have stories of some friends who share surprisingly amazing chemistry with their mothers-in-law, some claiming it to be even better than their own mothers. While it is difficult for me to gulp it down, it’s equally pleasant to get to know about the stereotypes being broken. But, I also have stories where the women are living their nightmares, where the equation between ladies of the house have practically ruined the relationship with their spouses. 

Let’s first talk about the dilemmas of daughter-in-law.

In Indian culture, getting married, leaving your family, and moving into a new home with a new family isn’t always dreamy. It can be overwhelming, testing, and chaotic. I won’t be lying but the way young girls are brought up in our society, living under humongous pressure of impressing their in-laws to be, with chefs like culinary skills and butler-like home management qualities, if you ask me, all Indian girls should be awarded some gallantry award on their first anniversary but after a while, even a compliment feels like a distant dream. 

Keeping unrealistic expectations from daughter-in-law, expecting perfection from just one person in the family, carrying all the chores of household single-handed is unfair. 

Likewise, I have seen many young girls getting uneasy over the changes which come in life after marriage. They live in the false bubble of personal freedom and think their lives will be unaffected post the status shifting from single to married. Once the bubble bursts, they end up avoiding the circumstance of being together or being there for the new family when needed. A peaceful co-existence under one a common roof, between the two parties at loggerheads becomes impossible.

What are the attributes of a dream-like relationship between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law and how it can be turned into reality?

1. Communication is the key.

I am a firm believer in the fact that all the wars of the world have ended over a round table. Conversations can do wonders. Putting objectively your point forward will save you from all the overthinking and misunderstandings. Be a respectful speaker and a generous listener. It’s always better to take a stand on what you believe, put it forward and be open towards reactions rather than sulking about it and breaking the bridge of communication.

2. They both are a part of one team. 

I recently saw and shared a tweet as it resonated with me big time. It goes like – 

The world can be divided into two kinds of people- 

1. I had to go through it, so you should too 

2. I had to go through it, so I’ll work to make sure you don’t.

In a non-toxic equation, the mother-in-law will try to make sure that her daughter-in-law doesn’t have to suffer the problematic practices of family and society which she had to bear in her time. It isn’t the case of harassed becomes harasser. They protect each other from outside threats. 

3. Defeat the power struggle.

This relation serves as the classic case of a power struggle. A silly banter has the capacity to become a battle of the wills in wrong minds. It’s not just limited to the most coveted man of their lives i.e the son and the husband but it extends to everything, the right to exercise the simple choices, lifestyle, regular household, or maybe even professional decisions. A healthy relationship defeats the power struggle by taking a back seat. It knows that not everything can be won over by locking horns.

4. Empower one another.

An ideal relationship believes in the power of community. They believe that there is a larger purpose in their lives and help each other to achieve them. Life can be shockingly simple and better when women come together and encourage, empower each other instead of taking jibes and pulling each other down. 

I was amazed by the spirit and determination of my friend who trained her widowed mother-in-law to operate computers, work on emails, social media, gave simple lessons on how to use a pen drive, and then empowered her to become a partner in full-fledged business. She changed the course of her mother-in-law’s life by taking simple steps, one at a time.

5. Draw the boundaries.

A few years ago, I was attending a Delhi wedding and while sipping chai together with my mom and her friends, an aunt of the bride announced her philosophy stating that if there is one truth in this world, it is that a daughter-in-law can never be a daughter to a mother-in-law and she should never strive to be, rather she should stick to her role and do justice to it. As an emotional young girl, few years distant from the prospect of marriage, I felt disheartened. But now after being married for nearly a decade, I can say that it must have come from a life of pleasant and unpleasant experiences.
A DIL and MIL are restricted by their positions in their relationships. Interference and lack of privacy may ruin the bond. Knowing your place, your duties, your responsibilities and boundaries makes it a little happy to co-exist. 

6. Ditch the melodrama.

They make efforts to save themselves from jealousy and competition. It doesn’t come easy, at once and early, it takes time and understanding. The son of MIL and the husband of DIL becomes the prime object of competition and jealousy but it takes a certain level of maturity to understand that both mother and wife have their own special places in his life. I will take it a step further and say that smart ones know that they shouldn’t ruin their relationship even over the most important man of their lives. They are not here to replace each other and their vision is not restricted to just this.

7. Choose their battle.

Real women avoid drama. They save their precious time and energy on petty issues. They pick the battles which matter to them, talk about them or sort it out and leave the rest to die on their own. 

Afterall, MIL and DIL are related for life through a bond, it’s better they keep their differences aside, open their hearts, leave their biases and try to co-exist minus drama. 

If nurtured with little understanding, love and empathy, the relationship between DIL and MIL could be one of the most fruitful relationships of a woman’s life. They come to each other in a package deal, it’s difficult to exist without each other in a family set-up. So it’s better they leave the age-old practices away and make efforts to be the new-age, cool, partners in crime DIL and MIL.

 

Suhani Sharma

Suhani is a Company Secretary by education but a writer by passion. She has studied film appreciation at FTII, Pune. She is an independent blogger and has been blogging on cinema for more than seven years.

She believes in open dialogues about the taboo subjects in society and with Infano she wants to encourage its readers to have a conversation around them.

8 thoughts on “The ‘Saas-Bahu’ Relationship Does Not Have To Be Toxic”

  1. Nabila
    June 10, 2021 at 8:28 am

    Enjoyed reading it. Loved it when u wrote about DIL MIL being part of the same team. It makes a lot more sense when put this way.

    Reply
    • Suhani Sharma
      June 15, 2021 at 1:06 am

      Thanks Nabila.
      In fact, we all are a part of one team.

      Reply
  2. Swati
    June 10, 2021 at 11:25 am

    Wow… very well said Suhani.
    Every MIL and DIL should read this article… it ll help them to bond in a good relationship..
    I personally love 2nd point. One line and wipe all the differences. 😊

    Reply
    • Suhani Sharma
      June 15, 2021 at 1:09 am

      Thanks for reading Swati ❤️
      We will be glad if we can bring any difference in perception or lives of our readers, no matter how small it is.

      Reply
  3. Mansi Sinha
    June 10, 2021 at 4:43 pm

    Awesome..Superbly written, touched so many points and glad we have some strong woman discussing these openly. We can bring lots of positivity in this relationship. Suhani, you have touched lives. Keep smiling.

    Reply
    • Suhani Sharma
      June 15, 2021 at 1:10 am

      That’s really sweet of you ❤️❤️
      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  4. Shweta
    June 12, 2021 at 9:27 pm

    Very well put up. So much every lady can relate in their relationship. Lucky to have later one 😊

    Reply
    • Suhani Sharma
      June 15, 2021 at 1:11 am

      Thanks for reading ❣️
      We are glad that you could relate with it.

      Reply

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Infano Care

Postpartum Superfoods In Indian Culture

Written By: Suhani Sharma
July 14, 2021 | 09:20 AM |
1,130

Highlights

  1. Pregnancy is a natural process and postpartum recovery is just as natural as pregnancy too.It takes its own sweet time but what helps the new mother in this journey of healing and recovery is a wholesome diet.
  2. In Indian culture, ‘Food Is Health’ and it has remedies for all problems related to pregnancy and postpartum care for new mother and her baby.
  3. Kamarkas, Edible Gum , Carom seeds provide necessary strength and vital nutrients to a new mother’s body.
  • Full Read
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The postpartum period is known as the fourth trimester. In the first three trimesters of pregnancy, women are expected to eat healthy and nutritious for nourishing the baby in the womb but in the fourth trimester, a new mother’s diet plan is prepared to keep in consideration her health for life long as well as for recovery of her body which has recently gone through the miraculous and strenuous task of bringing life to the world.

Many foods are prohibited or advised to not eat during the three trimesters like raw papaya, raw eggs, raw meat, unpasteurized dairy products while caffeine-containing products like coffee, tea, cola drinks are advised to be limited. But, interestingly the must and must not eat food list somewhere gets exchanged between the three trimesters and the fourth trimester.

Pregnancy is a natural process and postpartum recovery is just as natural as pregnancy too. It takes its own sweet time but what helps the new mother in this journey of healing and recovery is a wholesome diet. The ancient wisdom of our culture that has been carried forward through the generations by our grandmothers and mothers is incredible and most trustworthy even in the times of advanced medical sciences. In Indian culture, ‘Food Is Health’ and it has remedies for all problems related to pregnancy and postpartum care of new mother and her little one.

When I was pregnant and my due date was approaching near, I and my family began making preparations for my postpartum care. My mother had send boxes of pure home made ghee, dry fruits from a family-owned, trusted local vendor’s store and varied herbs for medicinal laddoos. My mother-in-law prepared those delicious postpartum laddoos and made all efforts to cook fresh, warm meals for me which primarily comprised of these traditional ingredients.

I was advised constantly to eat on tim when the food is warm and never skip my medicinal preparations. And, I used to gorge on those sweet balls of various flavors and lip smacking seasoning of dry ginger and turmeric over my rice, unapologetically without a thought of calorie counting.

My mother-in-law used to remind me every day, “Whatever you will eat now and do now, will impact your well-being for life long.”

Superfoods for the fourth trimester in Indian culture.

1. Carom Seeds– You must have seen this go-to herb in your house is given to your family members by your mothers and grandmothers whenever they have indigestion issues. The digestive system of a new mother is extra sensitive and ‘ajwain‘ helps in easing out constipation, acidity and gas. This magical herb even helps new moms in passing out their first stool post-delivery which, we are not kidding about but is an achievement in itself. Carom seeds also has anti-fungal and antibacterial properties. which will keep the infections away from you and your baby.

‘Ways of intake-

Carom water– Boil ajwain in water for 5-10 minutes so that water absorbs all the goodness of ajwain, filter the water, fill it in a bottle and drink this throughout the day.-Ajwain paratha– Use the boiled ajwain from the leftover ajwain pani or take some raw ajwain, mix it with wheat dough and make ajwain paratha.

2. Edible Gum/ Gondh – Gondh is a staple winter food for Indians. Its healing properties, specifically heating properties, are widely used across the country to cure illnesses related to cough, cold and lungs as it helps in keeping the body warm and boosts our immunity. New mother’s whole recovery process is dominated by the food giving heat to the body, especially the uterus in our culture and gondh is an excellent source for it. Gondh also acts as a binding agent as it is a plant extract or a gum. In pregnancy, a woman’s body is bigger than the normal size to accommodate the growing baby. Gondh brings all of them together back to their normal shape like glue (its English name).

Ways of intake-

-Prepare as medicinal ‘ladoos’ along with dry fruits, gud(jaggery), ghee(clarified butter) and other medicinal herbs.

-Prepare as ‘Gondh ka raab’. Roast some edible gum in ghee, pour a cup of water or as required over it, let the gondh dissolve, and add some jaggery. Have it as a liquid, syrup meal.

Edible Gum or Gondh

3. Kamarkas or Butea Frondosa– Kamarkas as its name suggests means a herb that tightens the waist. It belongs to the family of edible gum and is an extract of Palash tree or Tesu tree. It is celebrated as a medicinal plant extract that brings back the shape of the waist or brings the organs back to the previous shape after childbirth. It strengthens the muscles of the waist and it is extremely helpful during periods too as it cures weakness and body pain. Both the ‘gondh’ and ‘Kamarkas’ are given to lactating mothers to increase the milk production for breastfeeding.

Ways of intake-

Prepared as postpartum ‘ladoos’ along with edible gum, makhana, dry fruits and jaggery. –

Prepared as a dry mixture known as panjeeri along with other herbs, ghee, dry fruits and jaggery.

4. Makhana or dry lotus seeds– Makhana is suddenly the new superfood in the health market. Advocated and promoted by celebrity nutritionist Rujuta Divekar as the perfect evening snack as a substitute for packaged popcorn. Makhanas are little treasures of nutrients like calcium, iron and magnesium. A woman’s body works extra hard during the three trimesters and after the delivery with all the loss of water, blood and weight, there is also a major loss of all key nutrients. Makhana is a perfect food loaded with all the essential nutrition the postpartum body needs.

Ways of intake.

-Roast with dry fruits and ghee sprinkle some salt. Or roast only makhanas in ghee, salt and black pepper and store as a snack.

– Makhane ki kheer- Roast some makhana in ghee and cook them in milk till it softens and gets mashed. Add jaggery in the end and mix them.

Makhana or Fox Nuts

5. Pointed Gourd (Parwal), Drumsticks (Moonga) and Papaya– These two vegetables and one fruit are in the must-eat postpartum list in my paternal family. My weekly diet used to have them as cooked curry once or twice a week. Parwal is excellent for curing constipation and improving digestion. Drumstick is a wholesome food, rich in vital nutrients from its pods to leaves. It improves the overall stamina, strengthens the bones and is an excellent source of iron and calcium. Papaya is advised to be avoided during pregnancy because of its property of keeping the body warm but it is consumed after the delivery for the same property as it helps in healing the body internally.

6. Dry ginger/sonth -Ginger is widely used in our country for its therapeutic qualities of curing cough and cold. As required, dry ginger is once again consumed for its heat-generating property which helps in removing all toxins and bad blood from the body.

Ways of intake-

– As a spice mixed with hot ghee to season white rice.

– As an ingredient for postpartum laddoos.

7.Sesame/ Til – Sesame, once again a seed that is so stapled to the winter diet of Indians that we celebrate whole festivals around this super seed known as Lohri and Makar Sankranti. Sesame is oil-rich seeds, a great source of antioxidants, Vitamin B, and helpful in lowering blood pressure, regulating blood sugar, and lowers cholesterol. They also reduce bloating which is a common occurrence after labour.

Ways of intake-

– As Sesame ladoos prepared with ghee, jaggery and dry fruits.

– As a chutney.

Things to keep in mind.

  • New mothers should always eat fresh and warm food.
  • Keep themselves hydrated.
  • Drink lukewarm water sip by sip.
  • Avoid cold food and cold water.
  • Avoid spicy and gaseous food.

Note:- Author of the article is not a certified nutritionist. She shares experiences from her own pregnancy, postpartum recovery, and traditions of her culture.

Always consult your gynecologist before including something new in your diet.

Also, read https://infano.care/why-do-we-crave-some-foods-during-pregnancy/

new mothersPost Pregnancypostpartum carepregnancy

Suhani Sharma

Suhani is a Company Secretary by education but a writer by passion. She has studied film appreciation at FTII, Pune. She is an independent blogger and has been blogging on cinema for more than seven years.

She believes in open dialogues about the taboo subjects in society and with Infano she wants to encourage its readers to have a conversation around them.

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