Raising A Feminist Son? Remember These Points!

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Time is evolving. So are we!

We’re raising our daughters to be strong, badass, outspoken, and fierce, but we’re pretty much raising our sons the same way we have always been doing all these years. We have started telling our daughters that they can be anything they want to be — that their identity is beyond their gender and sexuality. But, are we telling the same to our sons?

_{Even as we’ve given girls more choices for their roles, boys’ worlds are still confined.}
_{Social Scientists}

I constantly hear lectures on gender equality and gender issues; we’re raising our daughters differently but do we put a thought on how we’re now changing the way we raise our sons? Boys are told to tamp down their so-called male energy or else to be tough, rough and tumble at all costs, or they have to be men and not cry. If we want to create an equitable society, we also need to give boys more choices in which everyone can thrive.

As said by Gloria Steinem,
I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.

Women’s roles won’t expand if men don’t, too. It’s not just about women. We are not raising boys to succeed in the new, pink economy, and for this reason, men are falling behind in the workplace and school. We are discouraging the body from so-called feminine pursuits, and we are using ‘girl’ as a tag when they show emotion or fear.

Most women consider themselves feminists, and those raising children, whether a boy or a girl, believe it is at the forefront of the parenting philosophy.

So how about raising them as not just masculinists but also a feminist?

Take this quick guide to understand how you can start raising a feminist son — how to raise them to love and respect themselves and women equally as a parent!

[ALSO READ: Gender Neutral Parenting – Parenting Beyond Stereotypes]

Let him cry

Despite their gender, boys and girls cry similarly when they are babies/ toddlers. But, at around the age of 5, boys are told that they are not supposed to cry anymore — that ‘only girls cry’.

This very dialogue that ‘boys don’t cry’ is very outdated. Teach your son that, like girls, boys are also allowed to show a full range of emotions.

_{Our daughters are allowed to be human beings, and our sons are taught to be robotic. Teach him that he has a full range of emotions, to stop and say, ‘I’m not angry; I’m scared, or my feelings are hurt, or I need help.}
_{Tony Porter, Co-Founder, A Call to Men}

Let him be himself

Children’s products are divided more by gender these years than they were 50 years ago. Pink and princes are not just for girls, and the colour blue and firetrucks don’t just appeal to boys. Neuroscientists say that children aren’t born with those preferences. Toy segregation has a long-term effect on gender gaps in academics, social skills and spatial skills.

Make sure you expose your son to open-ended activities and non-gendered activities like playing with clay or blocks. Also, expose him to options that might be considered feminine, like playing with dolls, dollhouses, dance classes etc. and see and support whatever he heads towards.

Give him role models

Research shows that boys respond positively to spending time with role models more than even girls. Make sure you talk to your son about the achievements of women you know, great examples of kind, respectful, and responsible people (both men and women), and well-known women in media, sports, and politics.

Teach him to look after himself and others

Jawanza Kunjufu, a lecturer and an author on educating black boys, said, “Some mothers raise their daughters but love their sons. They make their daughters study, do chores and go to church, but not their sons.”

The gendered chore gap starts happening at a very young age. Make sure you teach your sons to cook, clean and take care of themselves and be equally competent in the home as expected by the daughters to be in the office. Also, teach him empathy by assisting a sick and elderly family member or friends and taking care of younger siblings. Encourage them to babysit, tutor or coach. These responsibilities too often fall on the girl’s shoulders only.

Share the work

Actions speak louder than words. When possible, resist gendered stereotypes at home and show your son that both dad and mom can and are expected to take on a variety of responsibilities, right from cooking to cleaning to breadwinning.

Encourage friendships with girls

Research shows that by the end of preschool, children start segregating their friend groups, and this promotes gender stereotypes. But children who are taught to play with friends of the opposite sex learn better communication and problem-solving.

To help fight the stereotypes and bias that emerge from such arrangements, organise coed birthday parties and sports teams for young children so that they don’t come to believe that it’s acceptable to reject a group based on gender.

Don’t use ‘girl’ as an insult

Keep a watch on what you say and how you say it. Children are likely to pick up the subtext of the words and not just the words.

Don’t let your son say sexist jokes, and never use terms like an emotional boy, sensitive being ‘like a girl, someone runs or throws like a girl, gentle jibes about a woman’s weight, a boy who expresses fear of being called a ‘sissy’ or any of its more offensive synonyms. These statements last, and a child’s mind absorbs and retains this. They will transfer these misconceptions onto the women they’ll meet or deal with at work, fall in love with, get married to and to their daughters when they’ll have them.

Raising a feminist son means you are teaching him how to be a follower and not always have to lead. You are also teaching him to respect women’s bodies, believe women’s stories, ask for consent, and fight for women to have agency and equal pay. Teach your sons that equality is good for both boys and girls.

Give him the gift of knowing that he doesn’t need to collect power, and there’s plenty to go around. Make it a family value that despite their sexual identity, everyone they meet in their life is worthy of courtesy and dignity.

So, here I’m asking you, are you raising a feminist son?

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While a lot of support is being extended to new mothers and mothers of toddlers, no one talks about the hardship about parenting a teen. While the first half of motherhood is physically draining the next lap of journey wreaks havoc on the mother mentally. Postnatal depression, postpartum trauma, are the terms used to describe the mental state of new mothers, but there should certainly be a term for this phase of motherhood too. Maybe something like “mothering-a-teen-syndrome”?

After you’ve raised your kid from the potty training stage to the learning to read and write and when you have just started to enjoy the motherhood journey for all that it has been glorified about, nature plays a dirty joke on you. Your child turns into an almost stranger as puberty hits. Well you can’t blame them, can we, as they are handling their own physical, mental and hormonal changes. We’ve all been there too.

There is no guide to motherhood, as every child is different and every woman does it differently. Hence there is nothing that can prepare you for what is to come. It’s all new. The cute little toddler you once knew is now changing into some sort of an alien whom you just can’t relate to. While there are several support groups for breastfeeding moms, pregnant moms, my-child-doesn’t-eat moms, school moms, there are hardly support groups for teenager’s moms. Trust me, this is exactly when you need someone to tell you that the child you had is never coming back. This person you gave birth to a decade ago is now a stranger you won’t recognize. And as usual, you will be at the receiving end of whatever they are going through in their life. No, that doesn’t mean they are going to confide what’s going on with them, if anything they will suddenly grow distant, want more space and privacy and come with rebellion, disobedience and rolling eyes.

This is when a host of insecurities creep on the mother- what did I do wrong, where did I make a mistake? You keep second guessing yourself. ‘Should I play the good cop or bad cop? Should I be strict or be like a friend?’ Any kind of discipline you may want to enforce will rub them the wrong way and take them further away from you. You will try your best to shield them from the harsh world and the dangers lurking there, but hello, for all you know they just think you are trying to exercise power over them. And now with the bane of technology, the easy access to alcohol, sex, drugs, cuss words, porn, nudes, etc. seems so frightening. You live in the constant fear that your teen may fall prey to this sooner or later. But trust your parenting. If you have taught them the difference between good and bad, they will probably make the right choice. Of course they will want to experience it before they make the choice though. And that thought again is scary, isn’t it?

Yep the struggle of a teenager’s mom is very real. And the only solace you will find is in the company of the mother of another teen. Your struggles may not be the same but the confusions, the dilemmas, the insecurities that you are facing will be the same. Form support groups. Go get help if you want. Meet a counselor, get some parenting tips, attend parenting workshops. There is no shame in that. But please do not beat yourself up for being a bad mother every time you are being yelled at. Do not second guess yourself over the choices you make. Don’t fear being judged. No, you are not perfect. There is no perfect mother or child. It’s just an experience and you live it the way you feel is best. When it comes to raising your child, no one knows it better than you. Happy Mothers day.