Marriage Should Not Mean The End Of A Woman’s Career

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Indian parents educate and bring up their daughters, only to make them quit their careers later to marry and settle down, because after all, that’s the purpose of a woman’s life, isn’t it? Daughters spend their entire life asking for permission from their parents to do things, thinking things will change as adults. But Indian parents control every aspect of a woman’s grown up life as well.

“Till you are in my house you will do as I say, then it’s your husband’s call”, is a sentence we hear too many times growing up thinking that a modern progressive husband will probably not interfere in our decision making, But that’s not how it works, does it?

“Will you allow me to work after marriage”, is then another question we seek answers from during the matchmaking process. Because guess what, Indians want a highly educated woman but not a working woman. She has to end her career to take up her roles as wife and daughter-in-law and having a full-time job won’t let her do that. Because then, who will take care of the house?

Ghar kaun Sambhalege? Who will take care of the house?

The reality is that Indian marriages seek more homemakers to run the house effectively so that a man can continue going about his everyday life smoothly. Basically, they need a support system for the man and the availability of free labour for all household work. Our society has put the pressure of livelihood earning on a man’s shoulders and made the woman the primary caregiver. Marriage then is less of a partnership and more a caretaker’s job. A woman may be a lawyer, a doctor but her cooking skill takes precedence over the endless nights she spent earning her degree.

Marriage is a very important milestone. As is followed in most cultures, the woman leaves home to join her husband and makes a new beginning in an entirely new space which may or may not involve more family members. A man moving in with his in-laws as a ghar jamai is frowned upon by society. Moving cities or homes and living with a new person, adapting to a new family, etc. is a very big adjustment. But ‘adjust and compromise’ are the keywords in a good marriage or so we are told and the onus is only on the woman to make these adjustments and compromises.

For an already working woman, this new lifestyle may seem overwhelming and many chose to take a break from their career to take out time for it. Many others however leave their jobs at the behest of their new husband or in-laws. And some feel that since they have a person now to take care of them financially, their job and career is no more important. “He is already earning well, why do you have to do a job”, is a question people ask.

A job means having an identity of her own beyond the role of a wife, daughter, and mother. It is the platform for her skill and creativity. Being a woman does not mean that cooking and needlework are the only skills to possess. And if a woman retains the job, motherhood becomes a milestone where she is expected to then give up her career because who will take care of the kids?

Don’t quit your job just for the sake of marriage

Marriage or pregnancy should not necessarily mean a stop in the career. Take a break if that is required to slip into marital life or motherhood, but let it not be a reason for quitting a career. But most Indian women know that this will only increase the pressure on them because our society has not trained men with life skills to run a house and has made this entirely a woman’s job. She knows that after slogging at work she has to rush to a home with hungry kids and husband, a home with dirty dishes and laundry and incomplete school work.

For a working woman, her job provides financial security, freedom, and independence. It earns her respect. This should not change. Financial independence is of utmost importance for any woman to fall back on in dire times. Not being monetarily dependent on the husband means that your relationship is not one of financial dependency. It’s more about companionship.

Having an income and being financially secure should earn you respect and can help to fall back on when times are bad. A husband should not be treated like an ATM machine. Those men who ‘disallow’ women to work after marriage are the result of the age-old patriarchy that is embedded in them and this behavior will extend to many other things after marriage. Indian households won’t even involve women in matters of finance and investments. Many a time women are left in the dark of family properties, assets, policies, and in case of divorce or widowhood, they are suddenly left to fend for themselves.

Men and women should be equal partners in every aspect, be it homemaking, parenting, or earning a livelihood. Though this is easier said than done, this should definitely be a strong factor while choosing a life partner. We need to change these narratives of seeing women only as homemakers and men as providers. Many young couples are identifying and waking up to the concept of equal work-sharing in marriage, realising that chores and financial burdens need to be shared. Though the final choice of picking up home over career remains a woman’s, the institution of marriage should not bind her to make this choice and should be her freewill. Support the women around you in making a respectful choice for themselves.

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More than seven decades of independence and my coursemate still look for permissions to step out of home — my maid has to ask her husband every year if she can get their daughter in the next grade — my colleague seeks her husband’s permission whenever she wants to wear a dress (say a little revealing clothes in his word) — and my neighbour mostly stay at home because sharif ladkiyaan zyada nahi ghumti!

15th August — whenever I think of this day — a part of me feels like trodden off!

We, women, have got accustomed to this modern feminine patriarchy so much that we seek validations — we seek acknowledgements and acceptance to our deeds — so much that we have almost forgotten that we are no less than men in society. We are creators and not just some sort of labels.

Before the urban feministas lash out on me saying how we have evolved and grown over time — and how we are leading the nation flawlessly; let’s clear that in a population of 1.3 billion people, only approximately 48% are women.

Out of 497 million women, only close to 65% of women are literate. Oh, is that pretty high?

An ActionAid UK report found that ’80 % of women in India had experienced sexual harassment ranging from unwanted comments, being groped or assaulted.’ Now that would be pretty low for you? Ain’t it?

While Wikipedia has tried its best to glorify the improved numbers of the different aspects of conditions of women in India, my question is why we are content with such numbers? Why are we satisfied with small inclinations in numbers and not really fighting for it?

Whenever I think of this, I presume that it’s us, the women, who are somehow responsible for this condition of ours. We have been conditioned to think, behave and act in a certain way for generations, and now the whole act of unlearning is taking a toll on us as well as the society.

Have you been to smaller towns and villages? Or stayed there for long periods? From prioritising their husband’s needs over their own, these women are conditioned to live like this — by giving up on their dreams and their fate. And while me or you are fighting, struggling and working hard to fulfil our desires, these women are not. Well, they cannot. Brutal but honest!

Our generation old customs have trained us to live in a particular way. We have forgotten to celebrate our small achievements and credit our success. In a country where more than half of the male population marry only to get a full time unpaid maid for his family, are we really eligible to say that we are independent? Technically yes, but practically no!

And the irony is while such men love to be ‘retrospective progressive’, these are the ones who find it hard to digest foregoing women in their family or society.

While more women are going to college, fewer are working. In fact they are performing nearly ten times the unpaid care work as men. And while I am typing this leisurely from my room, a lot of girls are slogging off somewhere in the farm, mines, pond, house etc. in the scorching heat.

And by now, I’m assuming a lot of men would already be cursing me for writing this, but it’s high time to accept this fact — that women are suppressed in our nation, brutally. And please, no need to compare it with other nations. While I genuinely support women around the world, I’m more concerned about our bhartiya naari at this point in time.

From gender pay gap to child marriage, acid attack, domestic violence, dowry, foeticide, rape and sexual harassments, trafficking, accusations of witchcraft and what not — we are facing it all, and we need a break!

The women of our country need their independence, and I don’t know how long we will have to wait or fight for it. We are yet to get that 15th August of ours which we can celebrate wholeheartedly without a pinch of dejection in the heart.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in the article above are those of the authors’ and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of this publishing house. Unless otherwise noted, the author is writing in his/her personal capacity. They are not intended and should not be thought to represent official ideas, attitudes, or policies of any agency or institution.