Let’s Talk About Consent

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Growing up in a culture where discussing sex is frowned upon, it is natural for everyone to be embarrassed to discuss the concept of consent in context of physical relationships.

Most couples hesitate to discuss sex. While they enjoy talking about every other topic under the sun, they hardly talk about intimacy and sexual interests.

Even married couples feel embarrassed to talk about sexual interests with their partners. The majority do not even ask their partner whether they are comfortable for a sexual encounter before engaging in it.

People tend to assume that they have the green light by default. The idea that one person is responsible for asking or pushing for sex is not only unfair and unsafe to the other partner but is also heteronormative. It supports the belief that one person has more power and control than the other in a sexual act. This mentality can put many people in vulnerable situations that could potentially lead to sexual assault.

The most common objection to practicing consent is the belief that asking someone to kiss or touch them will “kill the mood” or be less romantic, as if being open about what is going on between two people makes it less sexy. But it is not so.

Sexual consent is an essential part of healthy relationships and should always be communicated clearly. Asking for consent must become an indispensable part of the sexual act.

Here is a guide to help you understand what consent means in the context of sex, and how to ask for consent without killing the mood.

What is a Consent?

Consent is a mutual agreement or understanding between the partners who engage in sexual activity. It is about communicating your sexual interests with your partner.

Discussions on consent improve healthy sex life and make your relationship better.

Kill the Myth – Not the Mood

The fact that consent kills the mood remains a commonly overlooked aspect. It is a myth that asking for consent breaks the mood. Talking consent with your partner strengthens your bond and helps improve your sexual relationship.

Consent is a spark when it comes to emotional connection, desire, intimacy, and sex. Talking consent is a great way to spice up your sex life and gives each partner a chance to state their needs and desires clearly.

How to ask for consent without killing the mood?

Get the guts to communicate with your partner

In general, sex and intimate relationships are vulnerable subjects, and many people feel uncomfortable initiating conversations about consent.

It is natural to feel embarrassed or feel nervous to start a conversation about consent. Talking consent helps you figure out the likes and dislikes of your partner and whether they are feeling safe with your act.

It communicates respect and builds intimacy with your partner and demonstrates your maturity. It need not be a long conversation. Just go with the flow. Ensure that it is a mutual and open conversation wherein both you and your partner can voice your comfort levels to have an enjoyable sexual experience.

Ask about your partner’s desires and interests

True romantic relationships rely on respect and trust. Couples should feel free to know each other’s interests and difficulties and should indulge in intimate talks for a healthy sexual experience.

Allow your partner to express and share their boundaries, preferences, curiosities confidently.

How to ask your partner whether she or he is ready to engage in sex?

“Are you comfortable with going ahead?”.

“Are you okay with this?”

“May I kiss you?”

Clear verbal communication in positive language is one of the greatest assets for your sexual relationship.

Respect your partner’s boundaries

If you want to move from kissing to intimate touch, try to communicate your desires with love and respect without pressuring your partner. Be honest about what you want and what you do not.

Asking for consent at every stage shows that you respect your partner’s confidentiality. Let your partner know it is okay if they want to stop or do something different.

Do not act like you feel rejected or make your partner feel like they turned you off. They might say no because they are not comfortable or not interested at that moment or for many other reasons.

Do not ask for consent again and again

Respect your partner’s feelings. Once your partner says no, let it be so. Accept it. Asking your partner repeatedly to engage in a sexual act until they give in is not consent but coercion.

One should know that a sexual encounter without consent is a sexual assault or rape, even with your married partner.

It’s not like once the consent is given, it is granted every time. Pressuring or forcing your partner into sex is a sign of an unhealthy and unsafe relationship with dangerous consequences in the future and can ruin your relation.

The Bottom-line

Consent does not break your mood but opens the way for greater clarity, safety, pleasure, and ecstasy. Take your time. Get comfortable with each other. Consensual sex can be the biggest turn on.

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The tragic killing of two young women in Andhra Pradesh by their highly educated parents shook the country last week. As days pass and the police probe continues, fresh revelations are coming to the fore about the murders of two sisters by their parents in Madanapalli in Chittor district of Andhra Pradesh.

The accused parents have been identified as Purushotham, a vice-principal of a government college, and Padamja a gold medallist in mathematics.

Unfolding of events in the Andhra Murders case

Deeply spiritual people, the couple bludgeoned the daughters with dumbbells and Trishul as they wanted to “appease supernatural forces”. The couple was followers of Mehar Baba, Sai Baba, and Rajaneesh or Osho. They regularly used to visit Shirdi.

The older daughter Alekhya was 27-years-old. She worked as a forest officer. She returned home during the coronavirus pandemic and was preparing for the civil services examination. The younger daughter Sai Divya was 23-years-old and had completed her post-graduation in business administration (MBA) and was pursuing a course in music.

chittoor sisters double murders — Sisters Alekhya and Sai Divya

According to neighbours and colleagues, Purushotham’s family was deeply superstitious. The family had remained isolated since the pandemic set in. Even domestic workers were not allowed inside the house.

The couple murdered the older daughter after a puja and then killed the younger daughter. The mother felt that there was evil inside her younger daughter’s head and so she broke it open. Later the vice-principal called one of his co-workers and informed him about the murders who alerted the police. On arrival the police found the couple in a state of trance and told the police that their daughters would come alive after some time and to not interfere in the ritual.

While one would wonder how such educated people could fall prey to such superstitions and malpractices to the extent of murdering their own offsprings, mental health professionals believe that this is ‘a brain disease and can happen to anybody.’

“The delusional parents is what severe untreated mental illness, unfortunately, looks like sometimes”, says Psychiatrist Anirudh Kala.

“These are cases of what the French call Folie-deux or shared psychosis. In this case, probably the mother is the primary patient who has either Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorder with psychosis. Typically the person who ‘ catches’ the delusion secondarily is emotionally dependent on the ‘primary’ patient and starts sharing his/her world view.”

Shared psychotic disorder (Folie a deux) is an unusual mental disorder characterized by sharing a delusion among two or more people who are in a close relationship. The (inducer, primary) who has a psychotic disorder with delusions influences another individual or more (induced, secondary) with a specific belief. It commonly presents among two individuals, but in rare cases can include larger groups, i.e., family and called folie a famille.
Source

Insanity or unflinching devotion?

The social media posts of Alekhya suggested that she was attracted to Osho and his teachings. She also claimed that she brought her pet dog to life after killing it.

Social media posts of the deceased elder daughter Alekhya suggests that she was a big fan of late spiritual guru Osho and strongly believed in rebirth and salvation.

In some of her posts, Alekhya had described herself as an ‘Osho lover’ and a ‘dhyani’, according to a media report.

The girl’s other social media posts also give credibility to the theory that she went into a spiritual trance and believed in salvation which resulted in her and her sister’s murder by their parents.

‘I Am Shiva’, Claims Andhra Parent Accused of Killing Daughters, appears delusional.

Where does one draw the line between superstition and religious/spiritual beliefs?

“The tragedy which destroyed a whole family was wholly avoidable if treatment had been instituted at any point in time”, says Dr. Anirudh. “Part of treatment is to separate the two delusional sharers. The ‘secondary’ patient recovers fast sometimes even without treatment. This seems to be already happening with the husband. Unfortunately the worst for the couple is yet to come when they recover and are hit by the enormous guilt over what they have done.”

Alas we still struggle with acceptance of mental illness and access to mental health treatments. Some religious beliefs are so deeply rooted in superstitions and blind faith over religious godmen that we cannot separate it from logic and fail to use our reasoning. But the religious aspect was only a part of it. The larger problem here was the delusion the parents suffered from.

“In an ideal world they would be acquitted on grounds of mental illness but that is unlikely given the lack of sensitivity of the system and our archaic law about the culpability of the mentally ill. But in an ideal world, they would have been diagnosed and treated and none of it would have happened.”