Karva Chauth – Let’s re-think this celebration of love - Infano Women's Health | Lifestyle

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It’s that day of the year again. The pandemic has subdued the celebration of most of the festivals, but this is not one of the days that can be overlooked, even in these situations. It’s Karva Chauth today – a day when married women, mostly across North India, observe fast, even avoiding water, from sunrise to moonrise, in order to seek blessings for the long life of their husbands.

The Society Pressure

A lot of preparations go into getting ready for the special day – shopping for clothes and jewelry, beauty treatments to look your best, selection of Mehandi designs, puja planning, arranging the food delicacies, etc. It is a general practice these days to celebrate the festival together with friends and family – where the husbands and kids are all grouped together, enjoying the food and drinks, while the ladies are all together, chatting, performing rituals, and waiting anxiously for the moon to appear in order to complete rituals and break their fast.

It has almost become synonymous that more the effort a woman puts into the rituals and festivities, the more is her love for her husband. But does a woman still have to prove her love and dedication to her husband by her fasting on this particular day? Doesn’t she already do that all through the year, every single day?

Traditions – To follow or not to

Traditions play a major part in our lives, especially in Indian society. We have grown up watching our elders follow the same rituals and these traditions are so embedded in our hearts that we almost stop using our rationale when following these customs, especially when it involves the person, we probably love the most. ‘What if I do not do this, and something bad happens’ – this is a chance that we do not want to take. But aren’t such thoughts and doubts the basis of most superstitions which we are trying to shun, like that of a cat crossing our paths?

Isn’t this patriarchy – The Doubt

At some stage, most women question if their long life is also as important as their husband’s. But of course, most of them do not voice their thoughts for the fear of being judged. Rituals that are so gender-specific create a sense of inequality and self-doubt in our hearts. Women are as important as men, but the value of her life seems lesser in the minds of society. She is the one who is expected to be responsible and sacrifice for the man. The rituals almost send out a patriarchal vibe that the man is the important person in the family, the core person who we cannot afford to lose.

Change of Heart

A sequence from the very popular Hindi movie – Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge – shows the hero fasting on Karva Chauth along with this beloved. The sequence floored the audiences and showed something that was literally unheard of, inspiring a few young husbands of that generation to do the same. And to think about it, though very glamorized in the movie, if and when we celebrate Karva Chauth isn’t that what it should be – a celebration of love, a prayer for having a long-life together – for each other, by each other?

So, it’s that day of the year again! We all need a little celebration to light up our lives, but this year should we celebrate it as a day where we continue to endorse the patriarchy, or is it the day where we re-evaluate our concept of marriage – a partnership of equals… in every sense.

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Indian parents educate and bring up their daughters, only to make them quit their careers later to marry and settle down, because after all, that’s the purpose of a woman’s life, isn’t it? Daughters spend their entire life asking for permission from their parents to do things, thinking things will change as adults. But Indian parents control every aspect of a woman’s grown up life as well.

“Till you are in my house you will do as I say, then it’s your husband’s call”, is a sentence we hear too many times growing up thinking that a modern progressive husband will probably not interfere in our decision making, But that’s not how it works, does it?

“Will you allow me to work after marriage”, is then another question we seek answers from during the matchmaking process. Because guess what, Indians want a highly educated woman but not a working woman. She has to end her career to take up her roles as wife and daughter-in-law and having a full-time job won’t let her do that. Because then, who will take care of the house?

Ghar kaun Sambhalege? Who will take care of the house?

The reality is that Indian marriages seek more homemakers to run the house effectively so that a man can continue going about his everyday life smoothly. Basically, they need a support system for the man and the availability of free labour for all household work. Our society has put the pressure of livelihood earning on a man’s shoulders and made the woman the primary caregiver. Marriage then is less of a partnership and more a caretaker’s job. A woman may be a lawyer, a doctor but her cooking skill takes precedence over the endless nights she spent earning her degree.

Marriage is a very important milestone. As is followed in most cultures, the woman leaves home to join her husband and makes a new beginning in an entirely new space which may or may not involve more family members. A man moving in with his in-laws as a ghar jamai is frowned upon by society. Moving cities or homes and living with a new person, adapting to a new family, etc. is a very big adjustment. But ‘adjust and compromise’ are the keywords in a good marriage or so we are told and the onus is only on the woman to make these adjustments and compromises.

For an already working woman, this new lifestyle may seem overwhelming and many chose to take a break from their career to take out time for it. Many others however leave their jobs at the behest of their new husband or in-laws. And some feel that since they have a person now to take care of them financially, their job and career is no more important. “He is already earning well, why do you have to do a job”, is a question people ask.

A job means having an identity of her own beyond the role of a wife, daughter, and mother. It is the platform for her skill and creativity. Being a woman does not mean that cooking and needlework are the only skills to possess. And if a woman retains the job, motherhood becomes a milestone where she is expected to then give up her career because who will take care of the kids?

Don’t quit your job just for the sake of marriage

Marriage or pregnancy should not necessarily mean a stop in the career. Take a break if that is required to slip into marital life or motherhood, but let it not be a reason for quitting a career. But most Indian women know that this will only increase the pressure on them because our society has not trained men with life skills to run a house and has made this entirely a woman’s job. She knows that after slogging at work she has to rush to a home with hungry kids and husband, a home with dirty dishes and laundry and incomplete school work.

For a working woman, her job provides financial security, freedom, and independence. It earns her respect. This should not change. Financial independence is of utmost importance for any woman to fall back on in dire times. Not being monetarily dependent on the husband means that your relationship is not one of financial dependency. It’s more about companionship.

Having an income and being financially secure should earn you respect and can help to fall back on when times are bad. A husband should not be treated like an ATM machine. Those men who ‘disallow’ women to work after marriage are the result of the age-old patriarchy that is embedded in them and this behavior will extend to many other things after marriage. Indian households won’t even involve women in matters of finance and investments. Many a time women are left in the dark of family properties, assets, policies, and in case of divorce or widowhood, they are suddenly left to fend for themselves.

Men and women should be equal partners in every aspect, be it homemaking, parenting, or earning a livelihood. Though this is easier said than done, this should definitely be a strong factor while choosing a life partner. We need to change these narratives of seeing women only as homemakers and men as providers. Many young couples are identifying and waking up to the concept of equal work-sharing in marriage, realising that chores and financial burdens need to be shared. Though the final choice of picking up home over career remains a woman’s, the institution of marriage should not bind her to make this choice and should be her freewill. Support the women around you in making a respectful choice for themselves.