Everything is Fine, Yet I Want a Divorce

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It was dinner time. I was at the dining table, surfing on my phone waiting for Rahul to finish his office call. I had cooked his favourite Shahi Paneer. I myself was hungry and very tired. It had been a taxing but fruitful day at work. Rahul finished his call, and was excited to see his favourite dish. He filled up his plate, took a hasty bite and complimented me on how tasty it was. Then he left saying that he will catch up on his favourite series on TV while having dinner.

I had been waiting for almost 30 minutes for us to have dinner together. I wanted to tell Rahul about the exciting day at work. I did not argue with him. I was comfortable having dinner alone. But that night when I was in bed I realized (once again), how less Rahul and I argued or even talked. It was as if we had ceased to affect each other. I knew that the little dinner incident (with no harsh words, no yelling, no arguments) confirmed the thought that had been in my mind for quite many days, in fact, years – my marriage wasn’t working. I needed a divorce.

Rahul and I had been married for over five years now. We were both IT professionals, doing well in our respective careers. Our friends and relatives always termed as the “ideal” couple. To everyone, it seemed like we complimented each other perfectly. They had seen us grow financially over the years. We had a beautiful home, we went on trips together, gave each other expensive gifts and we hardly fought over anything.

The first year went off like a breeze, the new spark of sharing your life with someone, adjusting to the new setting. Rahul was very ambitious about his career and everything else was secondary for him. I was as supportive of him as I could – never complaining about the late nights or working weekends. I knew how much his work meant to him, and I wanted to see him succeed and I wanted to see him happy. But somewhere in the process, I started to care less or work less towards my happiness.

I was not as ambitious as Rahul, but I was one of the best performers in my team. I let go of a couple of promotions at work, because I knew it would not be feasible for both of us to be busy, and willing to travel, since Rahul’s aging parents lived next door and needed our daily help and attention. I was never sad about this decision, but yes, I did expect Rahul to appreciate this or even mention it. But I do not even think it has ever crossed his mind.

There have been times when I have wanted to celebrate a project completion at work. But it was never that big a deal for him. There were never any words of encouragement, let alone celebrations.

I suffered from severe back pain in the third year of marriage. It gave me sleepless nights and days of bed-rest. I so wanted him by my side, at least a few minutes in a day. He did approve of having a lady come in for my massage twice a week. But what I missed was his touch, his hands on my head, reassuring me that things will be better.

There were days when I had a fight with my best friend, had a bitter argument with a colleague at work or was ignored for a project by my senior. I cried, but always cried alone. I wanted to share my fears, my disappointment with Rahul. I wanted to be consoled, but I never was.

Many times, I had arguments with my mother-in-law about managing the house or cooking or just about anything. It was nothing major and most of the time we would settle it among ourselves within a few days. But on a bad day, I just wanted to talk to Rahul, just wanted to vent out my frustrations, just wanted him to listen. But these were mere distractions for him on which he did not want to waste his time on.

There were times when I craved for physical intimacy. We still practiced a routine morning hug and good bye kiss before going to work, but it had now become just a formality. The desire of wanting to be together physically was long gone. It has now reached a point that I too do not miss it anymore.

I had tried to speak to him on several occasions about how I feel, but he always brushed it aside as me overthinking and living in a fantasy world.

I look at other failed relationships around me. They have reasons that seem more grave – illicit affairs, domestic violence, doubting partners. And whenever the thought of separating from Rahul had crossed my mind, I thought – Rahul isn’t that bad. He had never hit me. He had rarely raised his voice. He hadn’t objected to me working.

But the fact remains that – yes, Rahul provides me with all the materialistic comforts of life, but he has never been there for me emotionally. He may seem like an ideal husband to the outside world. But I have never felt loved and respected. I have never felt like an equal in our relationship.

I know I am not going to find much support for my decision, even from my parents. I know it might be just easier to continue enjoying the materialistic comforts. I can keep myself busy, probably have a baby (I have always wanted to be a mother). But deep down I am sad and growing sadder each day and I cannot ignore that. Love and respect are important to me and I do not think any materialistic comfort can make up for that. Going in for divorce is going to change a lot of things for me, but I think it is time I stop cheating myself. I may seem selfish to the world, but I need a divorce for my own mental well-being. As they say, “You are not selfish for ending a marriage, you are selfish for holding onto it for the wrong reasons.”

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Indian parents educate and bring up their daughters, only to make them quit their careers later to marry and settle down, because after all, that’s the purpose of a woman’s life, isn’t it? Daughters spend their entire life asking for permission from their parents to do things, thinking things will change as adults. But Indian parents control every aspect of a woman’s grown up life as well.

“Till you are in my house you will do as I say, then it’s your husband’s call”, is a sentence we hear too many times growing up thinking that a modern progressive husband will probably not interfere in our decision making, But that’s not how it works, does it?

“Will you allow me to work after marriage”, is then another question we seek answers from during the matchmaking process. Because guess what, Indians want a highly educated woman but not a working woman. She has to end her career to take up her roles as wife and daughter-in-law and having a full-time job won’t let her do that. Because then, who will take care of the house?

Ghar kaun Sambhalege? Who will take care of the house?

The reality is that Indian marriages seek more homemakers to run the house effectively so that a man can continue going about his everyday life smoothly. Basically, they need a support system for the man and the availability of free labour for all household work. Our society has put the pressure of livelihood earning on a man’s shoulders and made the woman the primary caregiver. Marriage then is less of a partnership and more a caretaker’s job. A woman may be a lawyer, a doctor but her cooking skill takes precedence over the endless nights she spent earning her degree.

Marriage is a very important milestone. As is followed in most cultures, the woman leaves home to join her husband and makes a new beginning in an entirely new space which may or may not involve more family members. A man moving in with his in-laws as a ghar jamai is frowned upon by society. Moving cities or homes and living with a new person, adapting to a new family, etc. is a very big adjustment. But ‘adjust and compromise’ are the keywords in a good marriage or so we are told and the onus is only on the woman to make these adjustments and compromises.

For an already working woman, this new lifestyle may seem overwhelming and many chose to take a break from their career to take out time for it. Many others however leave their jobs at the behest of their new husband or in-laws. And some feel that since they have a person now to take care of them financially, their job and career is no more important. “He is already earning well, why do you have to do a job”, is a question people ask.

A job means having an identity of her own beyond the role of a wife, daughter, and mother. It is the platform for her skill and creativity. Being a woman does not mean that cooking and needlework are the only skills to possess. And if a woman retains the job, motherhood becomes a milestone where she is expected to then give up her career because who will take care of the kids?

Don’t quit your job just for the sake of marriage

Marriage or pregnancy should not necessarily mean a stop in the career. Take a break if that is required to slip into marital life or motherhood, but let it not be a reason for quitting a career. But most Indian women know that this will only increase the pressure on them because our society has not trained men with life skills to run a house and has made this entirely a woman’s job. She knows that after slogging at work she has to rush to a home with hungry kids and husband, a home with dirty dishes and laundry and incomplete school work.

For a working woman, her job provides financial security, freedom, and independence. It earns her respect. This should not change. Financial independence is of utmost importance for any woman to fall back on in dire times. Not being monetarily dependent on the husband means that your relationship is not one of financial dependency. It’s more about companionship.

Having an income and being financially secure should earn you respect and can help to fall back on when times are bad. A husband should not be treated like an ATM machine. Those men who ‘disallow’ women to work after marriage are the result of the age-old patriarchy that is embedded in them and this behavior will extend to many other things after marriage. Indian households won’t even involve women in matters of finance and investments. Many a time women are left in the dark of family properties, assets, policies, and in case of divorce or widowhood, they are suddenly left to fend for themselves.

Men and women should be equal partners in every aspect, be it homemaking, parenting, or earning a livelihood. Though this is easier said than done, this should definitely be a strong factor while choosing a life partner. We need to change these narratives of seeing women only as homemakers and men as providers. Many young couples are identifying and waking up to the concept of equal work-sharing in marriage, realising that chores and financial burdens need to be shared. Though the final choice of picking up home over career remains a woman’s, the institution of marriage should not bind her to make this choice and should be her freewill. Support the women around you in making a respectful choice for themselves.