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Everything is Fine, Yet I Want a Divorce

Written By: Infano
January 19, 2021
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It was dinner time. I was at the dining table, surfing on my phone waiting for Rahul to finish his office call. I had cooked his favourite Shahi Paneer. I myself was hungry and very tired. It had been a taxing but fruitful day at work. Rahul finished his call, and was excited to see his favourite dish. He filled up his plate, took a hasty bite and complimented me on how tasty it was. Then he left saying that he will catch up on his favourite series on TV while having dinner.

I had been waiting for almost 30 minutes for us to have dinner together. I wanted to tell Rahul about the exciting day at work. I did not argue with him. I was comfortable having dinner alone. But that night when I was in bed I realized (once again), how less Rahul and I argued or even talked. It was as if we had ceased to affect each other. I knew that the little dinner incident (with no harsh words, no yelling, no arguments) confirmed the thought that had been in my mind for quite many days, in fact, years – my marriage wasn’t working. I needed a divorce.

Rahul and I had been married for over five years now. We were both IT professionals, doing well in our respective careers. Our friends and relatives always termed as the “ideal” couple. To everyone, it seemed like we complimented each other perfectly. They had seen us grow financially over the years. We had a beautiful home, we went on trips together, gave each other expensive gifts and we hardly fought over anything.

The first year went off like a breeze, the new spark of sharing your life with someone, adjusting to the new setting. Rahul was very ambitious about his career and everything else was secondary for him. I was as supportive of him as I could – never complaining about the late nights or working weekends. I knew how much his work meant to him, and I wanted to see him succeed and I wanted to see him happy. But somewhere in the process, I started to care less or work less towards my happiness.

I was not as ambitious as Rahul, but I was one of the best performers in my team. I let go of a couple of promotions at work, because I knew it would not be feasible for both of us to be busy, and willing to travel, since Rahul’s aging parents lived next door and needed our daily help and attention. I was never sad about this decision, but yes, I did expect Rahul to appreciate this or even mention it. But I do not even think it has ever crossed his mind.

There have been times when I have wanted to celebrate a project completion at work. But it was never that big a deal for him. There were never any words of encouragement, let alone celebrations.

I suffered from severe back pain in the third year of marriage. It gave me sleepless nights and days of bed-rest. I so wanted him by my side, at least a few minutes in a day. He did approve of having a lady come in for my massage twice a week. But what I missed was his touch, his hands on my head, reassuring me that things will be better.

There were days when I had a fight with my best friend, had a bitter argument with a colleague at work or was ignored for a project by my senior. I cried, but always cried alone. I wanted to share my fears, my disappointment with Rahul. I wanted to be consoled, but I never was.

Many times, I had arguments with my mother-in-law about managing the house or cooking or just about anything. It was nothing major and most of the time we would settle it among ourselves within a few days. But on a bad day, I just wanted to talk to Rahul, just wanted to vent out my frustrations, just wanted him to listen. But these were mere distractions for him on which he did not want to waste his time on.

There were times when I craved for physical intimacy. We still practiced a routine morning hug and good bye kiss before going to work, but it had now become just a formality. The desire of wanting to be together physically was long gone. It has now reached a point that I too do not miss it anymore.

I had tried to speak to him on several occasions about how I feel, but he always brushed it aside as me overthinking and living in a fantasy world.

I look at other failed relationships around me. They have reasons that seem more grave – illicit affairs, domestic violence, doubting partners. And whenever the thought of separating from Rahul had crossed my mind, I thought – Rahul isn’t that bad.  He had never hit me. He had rarely raised his voice. He hadn’t objected to me working.

But the fact remains that – yes, Rahul provides me with all the materialistic comforts of life, but he has never been there for me emotionally. He may seem like an ideal husband to the outside world. But I have never felt loved and respected. I have never felt like an equal in our relationship.

I know I am not going to find much support for my decision, even from my parents. I know it might be just easier to continue enjoying the materialistic comforts. I can keep myself busy, probably have a baby (I have always wanted to be a mother). But deep down I am sad and growing sadder each day and I cannot ignore that. Love and respect are important to me and I do not think any materialistic comfort can make up for that. Going in for divorce is going to change a lot of things for me, but I think it is time I stop cheating myself. I may seem selfish to the world, but I need a divorce for my own mental well-being. As they say, “You are not selfish for ending a marriage, you are selfish for holding onto it for the wrong reasons.”

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Infano

Infano is a platform that aims to impact every facet of a woman's life - health, career, motherhood, lifestyle, and much more. We are a team of like-minded individuals who wish to be a support to women from all walks of life and in everything they do. Our aim, through our posts and articles, is to bring to light the issues and problems that women face in their day-to-day life, to try and make their life a little easier and a little better, provide the latest news updates of women around the world, and to highlight their big and small achievements. We celebrate womanhood each and every day.

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Here is all you needed to know about the POCSO Act

Written By: Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin
January 26, 2021 | 12:24 PM |
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POCSO: The Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POCSO) Act, is a comprehensive law to provide for the protection of children (below 18 years) from the offences of sexual assault, sexual harassment and pornography by incorporating child-friendly mechanisms for reporting, recording of evidence, investigation and speedy trial of offences through designated Special Courts.

The Act has come into force with effect from 14th November, 2012 along with the Rules framed there under.

It defines different forms of sexual abuse, including penetrative and non-penetrative assault, as well as sexual harassment and pornography,

A sexual assault is considered to be “aggravated” under certain circumstances, such as when the abused child is mentally ill or when the abuse is committed by a person in a position of trust or authority vis-à-vis the child, like a family member, police officer, teacher, or doctor. People who traffic children for sexual purposes are also punishable under the provisions relating to abetment.

It prescribes stringent punishment graded as per the gravity of the offence, with a maximum term of rigorous imprisonment for life, and fine. It provides for mandatory reporting of sexual offences so it is a legal duty upon a person who has knowledge that a child has been sexually abused to report the offence; failure to do so may cause a six months‟ imprisonment and/ or a fine.

The police take role of child protectors during the investigative process. and are given the responsibility of making urgent arrangements for the care and protection of the child, such as obtaining emergency medical treatment for the child and placing the child in a shelter home, should the need arise. They are required to bring the matter to the attention of the Child Welfare Committee (CWC) within 24 hours of receiving the report, so the CWC may then proceed where required to make further arrangements for the safety and security of the child.

As per the Act

  • The medical examination of the child should be conducted with least distress and in the presence of the parent or other person whom the child trusts, and in the case of a female child, by a female doctor.
  • The Special Courts should conduct the trial in-camera and without revealing the identity of the child, in a child-friendly manner with a trusted guardian present.  
  • The child is not to be called repeatedly to testify in court and may testify through video-link rather than in a courtroom.
  • Act stipulates that a case of child sexual abuse must be disposed of within one year from the date the offence is reported.
  • The Special Court can  determine the amount of compensation to be paid to a child who has been sexually abused, so that this money can then be used for the child‟s medical treatment and rehabilitation.

Children who have been sexually abused are not only traumatised as a result of their experience, but are also more vulnerable to further and repeated abuse and at risk of secondary victimization at the hands of the justice delivery process.

A common example is the handling of cases of child victims by unspecialized police, prosecutors and judges who are not trained in justice for children, children’s rights or how to deal and communicate with victim children and their families.

The lack of clear guidelines and procedures on how to deal with child victims and their families in a child – sensitive manner during the court process affects the quality of trial and evidence and trial process; the child is subjected in such cases to repeated probing and questioning, made to relive the traumatic incident again and again, and thereby suffer in the retelling.

The victims also do not receiving proper medical support and counselling, causing physical and mental distress to the child and his/her family and hampering the healing process for the child. In addition to this, families and child victims are unable to benefit from legal aid as the appropriate agencies are not involved at the right stage in the procedure.

Child victims do not receive timely advice and assistance so as to be free from a fear of family breakdowns and social isolation if the offender is a relative and/or the breadwinner of the family. There is also no system of supervision for checking the welfare and well-being of child victims during and after the court process, particularly when the abuser is the parent or guardian of the child.

The prevention of child sexual abuse, protection of victims, justice delivery, and rehabilitation of victims are not isolated issues. The achievement of these objectives requires a co-ordinated response of all the key players, which include the police, prosecution, Courts, medical institutions, psychologists and counsellors, as well as institutions that provide social services to the children.

Source: https://wcd.nic.in/sites/default/files/POCSO-ModelGuidelines.pdf

child abusechild protection actPCOSsexual abusesexual harassmentsexual safetyshame

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin has done her masters in Journalism & Communication and has worked as a senior journalist, editor and columnist for leading publications like The Logical Indian, Deccan Chronicle, Worldwide Media Corporation, The Bridge and Provoke.
With Infano, she hopes to create more awareness about women’s health issues. Suffering with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition, she has also been advocating for its awareness through media.

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