Coming Out Month: People Who Mustered Courage To Accept Their Sexuality!

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October is the Coming Out Month and the 11th day of this month is celebrated as National Coming Out Day widely across the UK and the USA.

But I do wonder if we even need such days or occasions to tell people who we are? Or what we feel? Or how do we imagine living our life?

Well, the answer could be a ‘no’ had it been any of the progressive western countries that you admire but the Indian society is yet to accept the rainbow colours completely! In fact, according to a survey, more than 40% of LGBTQ youth reported that the Covid-19 pandemic had affected their ability to express their LGBTQ identity.

Moreover, one-third of them admitted that they were unable to express themselves at home, while nearly a third of transgender and nonbinary youth reported not feeling safe in their living situation since the start of the pandemic.

And, maybe, this is why I’m writing this today — hoping that the ratio of people accepting this ‘our very own yet mostly boycotted clan’ would increase — that there would be less complaints and more lovely stories and people would stop considering the ‘T’ of LGBTQ as minorities or cursed.

These short stories about people coming out to their family and closed friends is an attempt to inspire others and encourage them to confront their loved ones — admit who they are and accept their self worth!

Sonal Chauhan

“Sonali, I always knew I was different but I could not tell anybody as I knew nobody would believe that! It’s hard to explain to people who can’t see your inner beings,” shares Sonal who fought with society and even shifted to a different state to find acceptance from the same.

“I would always try to give hints to my family but they would always refuse and ignore it. It was 2012, I was cooking with my mother when she asked me, ‘what is wrong with you, why don’t you socialize, you can’t ignore society if you wish to live with it!’ I was hurt. I’ve been suffering my entire life and no one even bothered to listen to me,” Sonal continues. “And that’s when I told her — with firm confidence that I was not a boy — that I never felt like a boy!”

Sonal recalls all those years during which she had been ignored, not listened out and only scolded, “my mother did listen this time and stepped forward to support me, however, she still could not believe my words. She told my father, sister, and one of my cousins who are working as a nurse. My cousins spoke to a psychiatrist and advised my mother to let me stay the way I was — they still couldn’t believe it and I had to fight with my freedom of expression!”

We live in a society — a homophobic society — and wearing females’ attires or having feminine behaviour is not really expected from a man. But hey, kuch toh log kahenge, logo ka kaam hain kehna!

Despite the fear of getting insulted, Sonal was persistent with her thoughts and asked her parents to support her — this time, none of them was ready to give up. But Sonal continued fighting until a part of the society gave her its acceptance. The fight is still on, she says, and it will be until her last breath!

Debendra Nath Sanyal

“I came out to my best friend (a girl) when I was 21. I was tired of living parallel lives that could not intersect. It was exhausting! Eventually, I came out to my other friends too — some of them distanced themselves from me, but the rest happily accepted me,” shares Deb who is a proud gay.

“I came out to my family at 23 when I was moving out. My mom and my brother were very supportive and dad took some time but now he wholeheartedly accepted the fact that I am gay,” he continues.

For Deb, coming out was one of the most daunting decisions he had to take in his life but as he says, he is happy that he did it, “it brought an end to the mental pressure I lived with pretending to be someone else. Now I am living my life as an authentic self and am grateful to my family and friends for making that space for me where I feel I can be myself.”

Mr. Dhananjay Chouhan

The first transgender student of Punjab University and the founder of Saksham Trust, Dhananjay has to take the way of mythology to convince others. But it was not easy — it has never been!

“My parents were fine until I started wearing sarees. I’ve faced it all — from being called a hijra or chhakka to getting insulted publicly,” says the transwoman who is responsible for the gender-neutral bathrooms to anti-discriminatory cell in Punjab University today.

She believes that society won’t accept you until you accept yourself, “people are always worried about what the ‘char log’ would say. These ‘char log’ are the ones who judge us our entire life and give their shoulders on our last rites. I stopped giving damn to people and I’m happy and content with the life I’m living today!” She is currently engaged to Rudra who is a transman.

Sindhur Kashyap & Spoorthy Sindhur

When perhaps the first lesbian marriage of Bengaluru took place, it wasn’t less than a sequel of any romantic film. But it didn’t happen before a lot of controversies and struggles.

For Sindhur, her parents always knew but never really asked her — neither she ever confronted them. But when Spoorthy confronted her parents, Sindhur also decided to do the same.

What followed after that was a lot of mental and physical abuse and a house arrest for Spoorthy. But the duo did not give up. “We knew we were not wrong and so we decided to fight against it,” shares Sindhur.

They ultimately tied the knots. But it’s been four years and their parents have not spoken to them yet.

Naaz Joshi

“I never came out as an open transgender but from an early age, my parents, friends, and relatives started calling me names. The most difficult part of my life was when I was transitioning, i.e., during my sex reassignment surgery,” shares Naaz who is a record holder beauty pageant. “

“There was an initial time during that transition when I looked neither like a male nor like a female. Society became too judgemental. I was extremely vulnerable since I was on female hormones and it was getting very painful to receive nasty comments day by day,” she continues.

Nonetheless, she never gave up and made the world believe in her and her talent. From surviving rape to taking India to the international level, she witnessed a lot in her life.

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I belong to Nainital, a small town in the state of Uttarakhand. To start with, just after 15 days of being born, I was abandoned by my mother in the hospital just because I was a girl child. My parents had separated because of differences in marriage.

My father was suggested by family members to give me up for adoption as it was not convenient for a man to raise a girl child. My father bluntly refused the suggestion, slashing existing stereotypes back in those days. My relatives took care of me in the first few years.

But because of ever-growing family disputes, I was shifted to Nainital where my father was a teacher in Birla Vidya Mandir School.

Sometimes school teachers and sometimes neighbours who were close would take care of me there. Given the scenario, I had to learn to become independent at a very young age. as with growing age, I found it difficult to even take care of my nutrition because of which my immunity was affected too.

But the good part was I used to get a lot of time to play around as there was no one to call me out for my studies for most of the times. Soon after relocating, I started studying at Birla Vidya Mandir School in Nainital, where my father was a teacher and it was a boy’s school.

How This Nainital Entrepreneur Defied Societal Rules To Follow Her Dreams! — The Nainital Entrepreneur

This had a very positive effect on me as the experience gave me enough exposure to become an extrovert. But sadly, I could never bond with my brother as he used to live with my mother.

But as fate would have it, there was yet another surprise for me. As a motherless child and due to family and societal pressure and manipulation, I was married off early when I was barely 18 years old. This was done on the presumption that the rest of my life would become easier and smoother.

But God had different plans for me as I suffered grave disturbances in my marriage as well. The person I got married to happened to be involved in illegal business deals and connections. My father decided to take me back to Nainital, my hometown when we found out that everything that we were told was a big fraud and hence my family filed for divorce. I REMEMBER I WAS very sad and was battling DEPRESSION…..during days….because of the given circumstances. Then again my father and I faced societal pressure to not go for divorce as it would be difficult for me to handle things alone.

My father tried to give a chance to the guy and his family and so under pressure, I went back to stay with him for a week. What happened next tore me up mentally. I WAS NOT READY for any physical relationship with that man who was STILL my husband, for the namesake. Hence I faced MARITAL RAPE which in our so-called society doesn’t come in the CATEGORY OF RAPE. Trust me, even I wasn’t aware of what it was. I went back to Nainital.

My depression got worse. I attempted suicide thrice but in vain and then I came to know that I was 3 months pregnant. As my body was extremely weak at that time and my immune system wasn’t that strong, besides, my haemoglobin was around 5.8, so abortion wasn’t an option.

I had to undergo several medical procedures to stabilize my health and pregnancy. With time then, my daughter was born in Nainital and she was the only source of motivation for me to move forward and do something about my life but my mental health still wasn’t cured. My daughter was barely two and a half years old when I left her with my father and moved to a close town Rudrapur for work.

I worked in a bank for a year but I wasn’t satisfied there. I decided to move to Delhi where I tried my luck in different careers. Then my father decided to send me and my daughter to Canada where they were looking for a second option for my marriage.

I requested my family to give me some more time before all the formalities were completed. Nothing in my life comes easy. Not even my career. Then in 2014, I moved to the city of dreams as they call it (Mumbai) in search of the peace and tranquillity. I was searching for, and there it was all this while right in front of my eyes and I couldn’t see it, the only thing that gave me immense pleasure had always been health and fitness.

I decided to explore my career fitness industry as I was good in sports since childhood. I dedicated myself fully to accomplishing my goals. It felt as if the child inside me screamed with joy to have found it’s lost home yet again. I felt alive after many years.

Mumbai gave me one more thing. As a struggler in Mumbai with no knowledge in the fitness industry, I joined a few classes like yoga n martial arts and thereafter i joined a gym club where I met my partner, Shashank. He also belonged to Uttarakhand and we connected on commonalities and soon became great friends. He was senior to me in the industry as I was a fresher. He gave me the guidance I was lacking from so many years and showed me the path that I should follow. Our bonding became stronger with time. Thereafter, there is no stopping till date.

Soon I started competing in many private competitions and attended many fitness expos with Shashank and educated myself. Today I am an MBA graduate, an Internationally certified personal trainer, Internationally certified kettlebell, National Champion in powerlifting, Strongest Woman of India 2018, co-founder of Mountstrong Personal Fitness Studio with my partner in Dehradun, and a known woman in Nainital.

The hope that I had lost in marriage, life and relationships were alive again. My partner has been the biggest support system all this while and he has been my guiding light in true sense. Today, I am happily married to him and have settled down with him along with my daughter.

1) Please follow a very regular healthy lifestyle and fitness regime. You don’t need expensive workout gear, fancy shoes and supplements to get healthy. Basic 30 minutes of brisk walk and organic wholesome diet is enough to stay fit. Nut fruits and 5 litres plus water intake with regular workout frequency is the key to keep your organs active and boost your immunity.

2) Good health is not just the absence of diseases or illness. It’s a state of complete physical mental and social well being. This means eating a balanced diet, getting regular exercises, avoid alcohol, tobacco etc which will help prevent anxiety and depression also.

3) I believe in the strength of will power and consistency. And that’s what I say to other people as well. It has not only improved my physical strength but also my mental strength. I never imagined myself lifting weights or setting national and state records. With whatever little rollercoaster adventure my life has been since my birth I can say it with my conviction that life is never easy for anyone but we have got to take all the misfortunes with a pinch of salt and never give up on ourselves! They also say: “Winners never quit, and quitters never win.”

I will soon be representing Asia in the powerlifting category and I am looking forward to winning the world powerlifting championship in the coming year!

4) Please believe and practice the mantra of learning and growing every day of your life. I know you all are young and maybe some of you don’t have a deep appreciation and inclination towards spirituality YET. I am not too far in age from you all. YET my saviour in the darkest times was TRUST FAITH that we must never give up.

5) Last I will say is: HAVE An unshakable spirit and the power of resilience! When it comes to health and fitness, my plan is to reach out to as many young girls as I can to make them reach their potential without having to sacrifice on their happiness and make informed choices

I am sharing my story in the hope that even if one woman who’s gone through or is going through the same or even grave ordeal as I have feels inspired by my tale and can bring about a change in their lives I will be glad, all I want to say is I HAVE walked this path….and IF I CAN DO IT….SO CAN YOU. No matter what life throws at you STAY POSITIVE….GIVE your loved ones a chance to LOVE you unconditionally.

As told to the author.