Can Open Marriages Survive? No, Says This Psychologist

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“Marriage is an institution which is held sacred between two individuals and is based on loyalty, trust, and companionship,” says Chennai based Psychologist Dr. Mini Rao. “Every marriage requires the fulfillment of certain acts, duties, and needs. In most cultures, marriages are a ritual and a process with set behaviours and expectations. Procreation, the fulfillment of sexual desires, economic dependency, kinship, and raising a family is the basic requirements of marriage though it may not be so in all cases”.

But as sacred as it is deemed, many marriages may lack in one or more aspects. Some individuals may compromise and continue the relationship whereas others may choose to terminate it. And some others reach a mutual understanding with an arrangement that may suit both the partners involved. Over the years, this institution has undergone a transformation in the society because of shunning of traditional beliefs and shifts in norms, values and orientations.

Fulfillment of sexual desires from one partner through life has been the crux of marriages especially in Indian societies and culture where even virginity is deemed sacred and is preserved for the sanctity of marriage and spouse alone. However, couples may not be compatible in all aspects. Some may find each other compatible in all aspects except sex. And with the norm of arranged marriages and the taboo on premarital sex, many do not realize this until much later in their relationship. For them letting go of a relationship just for the fulfillment of a bodily need may seem too trivial.

“Some couples lose the spark in the long run and it’s natural,” says Mini. “With the pressure of kids, family, career, they get so caught up in the mundane routine and turmoil that marriage becomes an obligation that has to be sustained. Divorce may not be an option for many because of children or financial dependency.”

After few years couples begin to find sex monotonous, uninteresting, or lose interest in their partner over time. Many others suffer from health issues which may affect their libido. Some are caught in arranged marriages when they may still be in love with their ex. Gay individuals may struggle with their sexuality in cisgender marriage. Many other couples may just want to experiment with something different and thrilling. These reasons keep couples ‘unhappily’ married. That is one reason many millennials are opting for live-in-relationships.

Are open marriages, a solution?

Open marriages are an arrangement where both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with other individuals. They may do this together, separately, or a combination of both. Open marriages should not be confused with polyamory or couple swinging.

A sexual revolution in the 1970s came about after Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill changed the meaning of the term with the publication of their book Open Marriage. The O’Neills describe the term open marriage as “A relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being “closed”).” Most of the book describes approaches to “revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality”.

While Indians are not open to something like this culturally, given that loyalty and faithfulness are an integral part of marriages, open marriages have yet been existing discreetly in our society. Couples find that consent is better than being disloyal or having affairs behind their spouses back.

According to a survey done by a media organisation, 41% men and 29% women are open to one-night stands. No data is available on open marriages yet. But this does not mean that they don’t exist. Series and movies like You, Me and Her and Newness depict these new age relationships of couples and “throuples” with the plot based on the problems and insecurities that may crop up in such an arrangement.

Open marriage not everyone’s cup of tea

“For a couple to mutually come to a consensus on an arrangement like this requires a lot of open-mindedness. This is easier in a western culture where people are bored easily, are more experimental and not bound by cultural and societal norms. But Indians are not ready for it- in our society, marriage is not just between two individuals: it’s more than that. Families are involved. Our conditioning and upbringing is different. We value our religious, cultural, and traditional roots and it’s not easy to break free from them and survive on your own,” adds Mini who has counseled many couples on relationships.

After years of being in a marriage, many feel like expanding their sexual experience but may not want to cheat on the significant other. Consent in this case takes the burden of guilt off the shoulders and enhances the experience. Being honest with each other without having any inhibitions in a relationship can be liberating and for some just the idea of this freedom may be enough. For some, open marriages may not include extra marital sex and may just be a compensation for something that may be lacking in their marriage, companionship for example. Seeking what is lacking without being unfaithful can be a means to balance an otherwise unsuccessful marriage.

Though many couples often try to spice up their sex lives with adventures, introducing a third or a fourth partner in to their lives is a different ball game all together. This requires a great level of trust and comfort on both sides to accept that this will not affect their marital relationship. Some try to experiment threesomes and foursomes and partner swapping. And the rules of the games can differ for each.

Can open marriages sustain the test of time?

“No,” says Mini. “The whole foundation of a marriage is based on loyalty and trust. Involving a third or fourth individual can be toxic in a marriage”. Another factor such marriages cannot work is that men and women have different sexual conditioning, she says. “Men are able to separate emotions from sex. But women are emotional beings and often get emotionally bonded to the person they are physically intimate with, and vice versa. If emotionally invested, it becomes difficult for them to keep the two apart.”

“Even if open marriages have the condition of one night stands only, or may be tried as a temporary phase in a relationship, chances are that either one of the two (mostly men), may start feeling insecure sooner or later. This issue will definitely be a cause for arguments and fights in the future,” she says.

With modern age couples and same-sex couples chANging the age-old marital equations, individuals are becoming more and more aware and accommodating of each other’s needs today. It remains to see if such a culture can thrive the test of time though.

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Low sex drive? Feel like your sex and sexuality are in the dumps? Tried several things to turn yourselves on – date nights, weekend getaways, massages, and new positions, but none of it is working? You’re not alone. A recent study showed that nearly one-third of women aged 18 to 59 suffer from a lost interest in sex.

You may wonder – Is it possible to get my sex drive back? Will I ever crave sex again? It is possible to increase your libido, but in order to do this, you need to figure out why it’s gone in the first place.

What can be the reasons for low sex drive?

There may be several reasons for psychological reasons that may be the reason for your low sex drive.

1. You don’t really know what you like sexually

Strange as it may sound, a majority of women do not actually know what they like, and if they don’t know this, then why would they want to have it? Exploring your sexuality and what turns you on is very important. Your partner may not even realize how you are feeling and many times can be concentrating on his “moment”.

It is important for you to know about yourself about what turns you on and then to communicate your likes and dislikes about your sexual preferences to your partner, just like other choices in your daily life. In fact, just talking about the intimate details can be a turn on for many couples.

2. You’re stressed

You face many challenges in our daily life related to kids, relationships, finances, work and health. A sick kid, a damaged home appliance, a work deadline, a traffic jam, or any other unexpected event can cause additional stress. When you are feeling burned out at the end of the day and anxious about what is lined for the next day, it is obvious to not feel up to having great sex at the end of the day.

Mindfulness is quite effective at targeting the body’s stress response system and helping us calm down. Yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises are great ways to manage stress.

3. You feel unattractive

With the heavy influx of social media into our lives, you are comparing your appearance to people in Instagram images, Facebook pages, or whatever platform you are on, and you often judge yourselves to be worse off. The number of likes you get on a selfie unknowingly becomes a gauge for your attractiveness. Feeling unattractive and uncomfortable in our own skin, not only leads to us feeling low emotionally, but it’s also one of the causes of low libido in women.

You have to believe in yourself. Inner beauty, confidence are traits that you are slowly giving up on, but these are most important in the long run. Of course, you can exercise and try to keep fit, but don’t let appearance be the scale of your judgement.

4. You play the comparison game

It is easy to get the idea that everyone else is having great sex considering sex shows up everywhere – on the tv, in the books, on social media, in sex movies. Comparing ourselves with the explosive sex that we may think others are engaging in can be one of the causes of low sex drive.

Though sex may be great for a few, it isn’t always easy for most of the women you know, contrary to what they may try to portray to those around us. So, it’s time to stop the comparison especially with something that probably just exists virtually and may not even exist in reality.

5. You’re missing the emotional connect

Having a strong emotional connection with your partner ignites sexual desire. One of the causes of low libido in women is the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Lack of intimacy can lead to sex becoming a chore rather than something you look forward to. Sex should never become a means of avoiding conflict between partners.

A good approach would be to spend quality time with each other with no sex involved, talk about your problems, rekindle the romance in your relationship. Relationship counselling is also an option to consider.

In addition to these psychological reasons, there may be other factors that can cause low libido. Experiencing pain during sex can also result in low sex drive. It is best to consult a gynaecologist in such cases. Chronic illnesses like diabetes, high blood pressure, the thyroid can cause low sex drive. Medications for treating these conditions, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medicines, hormonal birth control pills can also affect your libido. If you notice your sex drive affected after taking medication, you should consult a doctor and discuss the possibility of changing the medication or the dosage.

When you’re experiencing low libido, it’s easy to feel sex is something that you’ll never want or enjoy again in this lifetime. But this is not true. Understanding the reason for your low libido and then working on it can get back your sex drive. Sure, you can live with a low sex drive, in fact, many women do – but why should you deprive yourself and your partner of the pleasure that sexual intimacy can offer?

For more articles on women’s health, sex and sexuality by Infano, click here.