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Can Open Marriages Survive? No, Says This Psychologist

Written By: Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin
August 9, 2020
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“Marriage is an institution which is held sacred between two individuals and is based on loyalty, trust, and companionship,” says Chennai based Psychologist Dr. Mini Rao. “Every marriage requires the fulfillment of certain acts, duties, and needs. In most cultures, marriages are a ritual and a process with set behaviours and expectations.  Procreation, the fulfillment of sexual desires, economic dependency, kinship, and raising a family is the basic requirements of marriage though it may not be so in all cases”.

Dr. Mini Rao, Psychologist

But as sacred as it is deemed, many marriages may lack in one or more aspects. Some individuals may compromise and continue the relationship whereas others may choose to terminate it. And some others reach a mutual understanding with an arrangement that may suit both the partners involved. Over the years, this institution has undergone a transformation in the society because of shunning of traditional beliefs and shifts in norms, values and orientations.

Fulfillment of sexual desires from one partner through life has been the crux of marriages especially in Indian societies and culture where even virginity is deemed sacred and is preserved for the sanctity of marriage and spouse alone. However, couples may not be compatible in all aspects. Some may find each other compatible in all aspects except sex. And with the norm of arranged marriages and the taboo on premarital sex, many do not realize this until much later in their relationship. For them letting go of a relationship just for the fulfillment of a bodily need may seem too trivial.

“Some couples lose the spark in the long run and it’s natural,” says Mini. “With the pressure of kids, family, career, they get so caught up in the mundane routine and turmoil that marriage becomes an obligation that has to be sustained. Divorce may not be an option for many because of children or financial dependency.”

After few years couples begin to find sex monotonous, uninteresting, or lose interest in their partner over time. Many others suffer from health issues which may affect their libido. Some are caught in arranged marriages when they may still be in love with their ex. Gay individuals may struggle with their sexuality in cisgender marriage. Many other couples may just want to experiment with something different and thrilling. These reasons keep couples ‘unhappily’ married. That is one reason many millennials are opting for live-in-relationships.

Are open marriages, a solution?

Open marriages are an arrangement where both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with other individuals. They may do this together, separately, or a combination of both. Open marriages should not be confused with polyamory or couple swinging.

A sexual revolution in the 1970s came about after Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill changed the meaning of the term with the publication of their book Open Marriage. The O’Neills describe the term open marriage as “A relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being “closed”).” Most of the book describes approaches to “revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality”. 

While Indians are not open to something like this culturally, given that loyalty and faithfulness are an integral part of marriages, open marriages have yet been existing discreetly in our society. Couples find that consent is better than being disloyal or having affairs behind their spouses back.

According to a survey done by a media organisation, 41% men and 29% women are open to one-night stands. No data is available on open marriages yet. But this does not mean that they don’t exist. Series and movies like You, Me and Her and Newness depict these new age relationships of couples and “throuples” with the plot based on the problems and insecurities that may crop up in such an arrangement.

Open marriage not everyone’s cup of tea

“For a couple to mutually come to a consensus on an arrangement like this requires a lot of open-mindedness. This is easier in a western culture where people are bored easily, are more experimental and not bound by cultural and societal norms. But Indians are not ready for it- in our society, marriage is not just between two individuals: it’s more than that. Families are involved. Our conditioning and upbringing is different. We value our religious, cultural, and traditional roots and it’s not easy to break free from them and survive on your own,” adds Mini who has counseled many couples on relationships.

After years of being in a marriage, many feel like expanding their sexual experience but may not want to cheat on the significant other. Consent in this case takes the burden of guilt off the shoulders and enhances the experience. Being honest with each other without having any inhibitions in a relationship can be liberating and for some just the idea of this freedom may be enough. For some, open marriages may not include extra marital sex and may just be a compensation for something that may be lacking in their marriage, companionship for example. Seeking what is lacking without being unfaithful can be a means to balance an otherwise unsuccessful marriage.

Though many couples often try to spice up their sex lives with adventures, introducing a third or a fourth partner in to their lives is a different ball game all together. This requires a great level of trust and comfort on both sides to accept that this will not affect their marital relationship. Some try to experiment threesomes and foursomes and partner swapping. And the rules of the games can differ for each. 

Can open marriages sustain the test of time?

“No,” says Mini. “The whole foundation of a marriage is based on loyalty and trust. Involving a third or fourth individual can be toxic in a marriage”. Another factor such marriages cannot work is that men and women have different sexual conditioning, she says. “Men are able to separate emotions from sex. But women are emotional beings and often get emotionally bonded to the person they are physically intimate with, and vice versa. If emotionally invested, it becomes difficult for them to keep the two apart.”

 “Even if open marriages have the condition of one night stands only, or may be tried as a temporary phase in a relationship, chances are that either one of the two (mostly men), may start feeling insecure sooner or later. This issue will definitely be a cause for arguments and fights in the future,” she says.

With modern age couples and same-sex couples chANging the age-old marital equations, individuals are becoming more and more aware and accommodating of each other’s needs today. It remains to see if such a culture can thrive the test of time though.

affairscheatingextramarital affairsnonmonogamousopen marriagepansexualspolamorypolygamouspsychologistrelatiohshipswingersthreesome

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin

Tasneem Akbari Kutubuddin has done her masters in Journalism & Communication and has worked as a senior journalist, editor and columnist for leading publications like The Logical Indian, Deccan Chronicle, Worldwide Media Corporation, The Bridge and Provoke.
With Infano, she hopes to create more awareness about women’s health issues. Suffering with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition, she has also been advocating for its awareness through media.

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10 Questions To Ask Your Partner To Improve Sexual Intimacy

Written By: Humzaad
January 20, 2022 | 10:00 AM |
1,273

Highlights

  • What is intimacy?
  • Importance of physical intimacy in a sexual or romantic relationship
  • What are the go-to questions to ask your partner?
  • Full Read
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In all romantic and sexual relationships, whether they are new or old, there comes a time when things aren’t as easy as they once were and couples look for ways to improve sexual intimacy. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you might feel like there’s nothing new to learn about your partner.

It can be difficult to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship. You might find that you’ve heard all of your partner’s stories, know all their quirks, and don’t know how to get to know them better. All relationships go through periods where they’re not as easy as before.

In new relationships, learning about what makes them go, what turns them on, and what turns them off takes time because not many couples discuss these things outright and upfront. In fact, some couples may not know these things about their partners even after staying together for years.

The good thing about relationships is that it’s never too late to get back on track. It’s always going to be a work in progress, and keeping a relationship going takes a lot of patience and understanding.

One of the best ways to improve sexual intimacy is to learn to communicate better and ask your partner questions. Not just any questions, either, but questions that will help you get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level to bring you closer not just in your relationship but even under the sheets. *wink wink*

What is intimacy?

lesbian couple

Intimacy is the emotional close relationship between people in personal relationships. You can feel intimate with many different people depending on your relationship with them and the level of intimacy you feel in relationships may also change over time.

Just like how we are at times closer to certain friends than others, the same applies to physical intimacy as well. You may not have shared the same level of closeness and openness with all of your partners and that would have eventually decided the fate of your relationship in the long run. If we don’t put in the work to maintain that closeness, then our relationship can start to grow apart.

Questions to ask your partner to Improve Sexual Intimacy

intimate couple

If the ice has not been broken and if you haven’t had this talk earlier then here are some questions that can help you break the awkwardness to start with before you can get to the really intimate part. It is not a bad thing at all to talk about these things, and is a great communication exercise to make sure that each one is comfortable with the other, knows what is consensual or not, and what things can be a no-no when it comes to romance and sex.

  1. What do you love the most about our relationship?
  2. How would you prefer to be shown love?
  3. How do you like to express love?
  4. What do you fear the most about our relationship?
  5. What is your favorite sexual memory you have of ours?
  6. What has excited you lately in bed?
  7. What is your favorite type of compliment to get while getting physical? 
  8. What is the closest you’ve ever felt to me during sex?
  9. What is your pet peeve (something you don’t like to do) in bed?
  10. What is your sexual fantasy/ kink/ fetish that you want to try?

While not all may have to ask their partner all of these questions, you can try to find some that resonate with you and start there. Spend some time together and have serious conversations if you’re looking for more support building intimacy with your partner.

Also read Tips For Couples For Better Communication In Relationships

couplesphysical intimacysexual intimacy

Humzaad

Humzaad is a content writer who wishes to bring an alternate reality of the world to light with her writings. She talks about taboos and shunned topics often brushed under the carpet or discussed in hushed tones. Every writer has an alter ego and this profile is hers. Her writings often come with a trigger warning.
On other days you will find her gardening or making art. You can reach her at humzaadthewriter@gmail.com

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